Overwhelmed

Today the administrative assistant who sits outside my office announced that she is pregnant. She had been trying for 7 years. So here’s the crazy part. She was talking about how long they had been trying and how she had the doctor call her husband because she just could not take the roller coaster of it all. Suddenly my eyes welled up with tears. I felt such a rush of mixed emotions. I’m so happy for her…who knew that the person sitting right outside my door has been going through the same things I’ve been through. (I don’t know her very well. We only became “neighbors” a few months ago.) Seeing someone else report a successful IVF cycle makes me very hopeful. I also found out that two other women in the office are pregnant. They are all due around the same time that I would have been due. Anyhow, while she was talking, I had to go get some tissue to keep from bursting into tears. I told her that I can relate to what she’s been through.

I still feel a bit weepy. I really didn’t think that my feelings about my miscarriage were still so close to the surface. I mean, I am able to function for the most part. But I do still wonder why. Why did I not only lose my baby, but I am surrounded by women who will give birth around the same time I would have.

Weekend Ramblings

Yesterday I sang in a student recital that my voice coach hosted for all of her students. I am always amazed at how many people from all walks of life want to sing. After seeing the variety of students (some were good, others struggled) I have decided to try not to take myself so seriously when I go on future auditions. I know I have a good voice. My musical skills are solid for the most part, and I know what areas need the most work. Usually I get so worked up for auditions, recitals, etc… but yesterday I decided I would just go out there and have fun. And it turned out great. I didn’t forget the words. I was on pitch. And I think the audience was pleased.

On Saturday I was downtown for a rehearsal for this thing I’m singing in next week. I was in the turning lane and this guy tried to cut me off. I blew my horn and barley avoided hitting him. Can you believe this lemonhead had the nerve to roll down his window to cuss me out? He said “you saw my signal!” I replied “I had the right of way…you need to LOOK before you change lanes!” Since he had no comeback and he was looking stupid in front of his buddies in the car he proceeded to start swearing at me. People can be so ridiculous. Now I’m not much of a cusser (anymore). I make a conscious effort to find other words to express myself. This man clearly had a limited vocabulary. Luckily, God has given me a gift…that is the ability to hold my tongue.

Random Thoughts for Friday

At the risk of sounding shallow, I must say that I love the financial perks of my job. Yesterday I got my letter from our CEO regarding my second installment of equity options. Basically, the company I originally worked for was bought out by my current company. At that time I had some stock options, which I cashed in for about $12,000. The new company issued equity shares to the managers as an incentive to stay with the company for a certain amount of time. Well now the shares are becoming mature. Last year got the first installment of $18,000. This allowed us to pay off all our credit cards. This year I will get $28,000. Yippee! I am thinking about buying some investment property with the latest installment. This is the first step towards my goal of becoming financially independent.
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Our Lady of the Underpass

What is up with this sighting of the Virgin Mary by the Kennedy expressway? Background—The local news station reported that a woman was exiting the Kennedy e-way in Chicago when she noticed a water stain on the viaduct. When she looked at it closely, she made out the image of the Virgin Mary. She took a picture of it with her camera phone and the image stood out even more. She took it to be a sign…either a message from pope John Paul or from Mary herself. Since then, Catholics have been flocking to this site on the expressway, leaving candles, flowers etc. Some are saying it is a miracle. I think it’s just a water stain. I am not Catholic, but I did go to a Catholic high school (I am a Christian). I never understood the Catholic church’s fascination with the Virgin Mary, the adulation of the pope and the many rites and rituals that Catholics practice. I’m so glad that I know how to go boldly to the throne.
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Today I am listening to the new Faith Evans (The First Lady). It is hot. It’s funny, she is not a very exciting performer to me but I really like this CD. She was on The View a few weeks ago and her performance was rather lackluster. I wish she were more energetic when she performs, because I think she has a great voice and she makes some really nice music.

Just gimme a couple of toothpicks....

...to keep my eyes open. I am soooo sleepy today. Last night I did not sleep well because of BB’s incessant snoring. I can’t imagine anyone snoring louder than him. I read once that there is a spray used by folks in the army that stops snoring. (Can’t have soldiers keeping up all that noise in the trenches.) They really need to make this product available to the general public, cuz the nose strips don’t always work and I NEED MY SLEEP! *hmph*

Today I took part of the morning to get my hair done. Ahhh, nothing like a fresh relaxer. While I really admire all my sistahs who have gone au natural, I must admit that I LOVE my weave! It's unbeWEAVEable. Just weave me alone! (I know, I'm being silly...It's a side effect of my lack of sleep.)

Hopefully, I'll have something worthwhile to post tomorrow.

Feeling Better

I am starting to feel better today, both physically and emotionally. While I don't understand why things went wrong for us, I know that God has a purpose and a plan for my life. I just have to let it unfold in due time.

I'll write more later...I actually have work to do.

Bitter

Today I returned to work after being out pretty much since my surgery. Three people in my group actually made a point to stop by and say welcome back. The rest of those jive turkeys said nothing. But the worst…I sent a note to Oz (my boss) to let him know what was going on with me. I didn’t give him too much detail…just that I had a miscarriage and surgery and I got sick from the surgery. I didn’t want him to think I was just MIA. You think he responded? Not a word. No get well soon or take it easy. Nada. This was especially disappointing because he and his wife went through some of the same troubles. (They now have twins as a result.) I wasn’t expecting him to commiserate with me. But he could have at least responded, if only to say I’m sorry for you loss. One day I will learn to stop looking for anything from this place except a paycheck.

Woe is me

I will try to keep this post from becoming a pity party. However, I have not been able to post in a while because I have been sick. Long story short: I got pregnant thru IVF, but I had a misscarriage. The misscarriage didn't completely resolve on its own and I had to have a d&c. Then, I got an infection from the surgery. (***screams in frustration***) I'm still in quite a bit of pain but I think I am about to turn the corner in this healing process.

Suffice it to say, I don't have many work observations since I have been out for a good part of the past month. This experience does make you wonder why companies don't offer some sort of leave of absence for women who have a misscarriage. When I first got the news I was at work. I left early that day. Luckily it was a Friday. But when I went back on Monday, I was still feeling devastated, and I stayed in my office with the door closed for most of the day. Eventually, I talked to the HR person and she asked me if I had any days left (vacation, sick, etc...). I did. But what if I didn't? I think they should give you at least the amount of time you'd get if your child or spouse died. (One week for my company...still not really enough time.) Anyhow, I hope to be back in the office on Tuesday or Wednesday.

A friend of mine accused me of not really hating my job. While I really don't like many aspects of my job, it beats laying in the bed sick with only Oprah, Ellen and the View to keep you company.