I want my life back

My baseline test was negative. They will do another test Thursday, but right now, it’s not looking good. I feel numb right now. Another failed cycle. I am starting to lose count. This was cycle number five. We had no embryos to freeze, so if we go for round 6, it will have to be a fresh cycle.

I am angry, sad and disgusted. I am sick of this entire process…sick of the shots and the tests and the procedures and the treatments and the pills and the doctors and the nurses and all the bs that goes along with trying to have a baby. I am sick of my fat body and the eff-ing stretchmarks…STRETCHMARKS!!! And no baby to show for it. I am wasting away at a job that I hate because I don’t want to start something new while we are trying to have a baby. Lord knows I don’t want to explain my situation to a new employer. I can’t run or exercise too hard because it might further impair my fertility. No drinking, no caffeine, no raw fish. It doesn’t make sense to buy any new clothes right now, because hopefully I’ll be pregnant soon. I feel like a loser all around. My self esteem is in the toilet.

Infertility is robbing me of my life.