10.23.2006

Heartbroken

Thank you to everyone who has expressed their sympathies for the recent turn of events. And my apologies for not updating sooner. I have had a really hard time just getting out bed this past week and I have been even less inclined to write about this horrific experience. But, considering all of the money we've spent on this journey, I really need to keep my job. Therefore, I am being forced to start functioning again on some level, even if that means just showing up for work.

As you know, about three weeks ago I started bleeding. Ultrasound revealed that I had a blood clot in my uterus. The doctor was not overly concerned, but she did recommend bed rest until the bleeding stopped. It did stop for a little while, but then it came back. So I went back on bed rest and I did another round of ivig on Wednesday (10/11). The day after my treatment, I got really sick--vomiting, bleeding and a fever of nearly 103. I called my RE and she didn't think my illness was pregnancy-related. She recommended that take ty.lenol for the fever and that I see my primary care doc. I went to the primary care doc on Friday (10/13) and he sent me to the emergency room. Can I just say that the ER is nothing like what you see on television. There was no sense of urgency. I was there for six hours. (Also, I am not superstitious, but Friday the 13th??? Coincidence???) When I finally saw a doctor, she did an ultrasound and a pelvic exam. They did blood work and a urinalysis (sp?). Everything came back normal they could not find a source of any infection and they could not tell me why I had a fever. I was a bit dehydrated, so they treated me for that via IV. Everything with the baby appeared to be fine. So they sent me home and told me to keep taking the ty.lenol for the fever and to follow up with my RE on Monday. Saturday was a pretty low key day and my bleeding was light. I woke up in the middle of the night because the bleeding became heavier and it was accompanied by cramps and a backache. I called my RE on Sunday morning and she basically told me that we pretty much did everything we could do at this point and that I should come in on Monday for an evaluation as planned. She also said that if the amount of blood alarmed me that I should go back to the ER. However, it was her belief that they did all the right things at the ER on Friday (they did call and consult with her before they discharged me) and ultimately, the pregnancy is going to do what it is going to do. So I stayed in bed all day. And the bleeding got progressively worse. I lost count of how many clots I passed and how many pads I used. And at some point on Sunday, I knew that I was having a miscarriage. At times, I would get up to use the restroom and change my pad, and the new pad would fill up before I could even get back to the bed. It was horrible. Monday morning my mom drove me to the doctor and they confirmed that I had miscarried.

Looking back, I cannot help but wonder if there was something else I should have done. I wonder if I should have gone to the ER again on Sunday. Did my fever cause the m/c or did the impending m/c cause the fever? Did I get a bad batch of IvIg? Was the IV I got at the ER contaminated? Maybe I should have been on he.parin (this is the first cycle that I did not use he.parin). Or was it just doomed from the start? I guess I will never know what caused this pregnancy to go south. All I know is that my heart is broken. Again.

My family and the friends who know have been very supportive. Right now I am so sad, I can hardly breathe.

19 Comments:

Anonymous Meri-ann said...

Oh you poor, poor thing... I am just so very sorry that this happened.

Thinking of you x

2:45 PM  
Anonymous Erin said...

No, no, no, no, no. It's so unfair. I am so terribly sorry. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

3:22 PM  
Blogger Startling Life said...

I am so sorry...

10:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lisa,

I can't breathe either. I am so sorry this ended in this way. Wow. :(

9:12 PM  
Blogger UtRus said...

oh. i am so sorry. you sound like you're really suffering, Lisa. I want you to know that i am sending you calm and peace and healing. through my tears.

It's no surprise, actually quite normal that you're feeling depressed with this intense loss. don't forget, if it gets overwhelming (heck, it doesn't even have to get THAT far to make a move) there are professionals who can help. Nobody can erase what's happened, but you are not alone and you CAN find some relief. Here are some sites that might help guide you in finding someone in Chicago if you feel you're interested at any point along the path of healing:

http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/cities/chicagotherapists.html

http://www.psychotherapychicago.com/

I have been thinking about you a lot and i will continue to check back. take good care. hugs.

10:10 PM  
Blogger Sunny said...

I am so sorry. I just found your blog. I miscarried at 8 weeks.

I wish I had words to help you feel better. NOTHING helps but time. HUGS!

6:49 PM  
Blogger soralis said...

This just isn't fair... I am so sorry you have to go through this.

8:15 PM  
Blogger Just another Jenny said...

My heart breaks to read this. My thoughts are with you, I am so sorry.

9:14 AM  
Blogger SmarshyBoy said...

Just checking in for the first time in a while, and I'm just speechless over what I've read. I can't believe it. I'm so, so sorry. I wish there was something I could say.

7:55 AM  
Blogger serenity said...

I just found your blog by way of Smarshyboy. I am heartbroken for you and am so sorry for your loss.

Love and peace to you right now.

12:12 PM  
Blogger theoneliner said...

awful. i'm sorry you are going thru this. very sorry.
sending warm thoughts your way.

12:46 PM  
Blogger Thalia said...

Awful news I am very sorry.

1:15 PM  
Blogger Katie said...

* * * * * * * * nothing I can add but tears

2:07 PM  
Anonymous Leggy said...

Oh God- I'm so sorry for your loss and that the miscarriage was such an awful ordeal physically as well as the obvious emotional toll. It just sucks.

7:31 PM  
Blogger GLouise said...

I am sure your heart is breaking right now....Thinking of you, and praying for you. Best wishes,

12:03 PM  
Blogger ChicagoGirl said...

Songbird -- I am so so so sorry. You are in my thoughts.

1:51 PM  
Anonymous shazz said...

I am so sorry, its just anther kick in the gut of the struggle we have to go through.
From one Angel mummy to another I am sending you strength, hugs and just take every day as it comes!
xx

8:53 PM  
Blogger Baby Blues said...

I'm so sorry. No words could make you feel better but just know we're here.

9:37 PM  
Blogger UtRus said...

been thinking of you. hope you're doing better now... hugs

10:01 AM  

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