Heartbroken

Thank you to everyone who has expressed their sympathies for the recent turn of events. And my apologies for not updating sooner. I have had a really hard time just getting out bed this past week and I have been even less inclined to write about this horrific experience. But, considering all of the money we've spent on this journey, I really need to keep my job. Therefore, I am being forced to start functioning again on some level, even if that means just showing up for work.

As you know, about three weeks ago I started bleeding. Ultrasound revealed that I had a blood clot in my uterus. The doctor was not overly concerned, but she did recommend bed rest until the bleeding stopped. It did stop for a little while, but then it came back. So I went back on bed rest and I did another round of ivig on Wednesday (10/11). The day after my treatment, I got really sick--vomiting, bleeding and a fever of nearly 103. I called my RE and she didn't think my illness was pregnancy-related. She recommended that take ty.lenol for the fever and that I see my primary care doc. I went to the primary care doc on Friday (10/13) and he sent me to the emergency room. Can I just say that the ER is nothing like what you see on television. There was no sense of urgency. I was there for six hours. (Also, I am not superstitious, but Friday the 13th??? Coincidence???) When I finally saw a doctor, she did an ultrasound and a pelvic exam. They did blood work and a urinalysis (sp?). Everything came back normal they could not find a source of any infection and they could not tell me why I had a fever. I was a bit dehydrated, so they treated me for that via IV. Everything with the baby appeared to be fine. So they sent me home and told me to keep taking the ty.lenol for the fever and to follow up with my RE on Monday. Saturday was a pretty low key day and my bleeding was light. I woke up in the middle of the night because the bleeding became heavier and it was accompanied by cramps and a backache. I called my RE on Sunday morning and she basically told me that we pretty much did everything we could do at this point and that I should come in on Monday for an evaluation as planned. She also said that if the amount of blood alarmed me that I should go back to the ER. However, it was her belief that they did all the right things at the ER on Friday (they did call and consult with her before they discharged me) and ultimately, the pregnancy is going to do what it is going to do. So I stayed in bed all day. And the bleeding got progressively worse. I lost count of how many clots I passed and how many pads I used. And at some point on Sunday, I knew that I was having a miscarriage. At times, I would get up to use the restroom and change my pad, and the new pad would fill up before I could even get back to the bed. It was horrible. Monday morning my mom drove me to the doctor and they confirmed that I had miscarried.

Looking back, I cannot help but wonder if there was something else I should have done. I wonder if I should have gone to the ER again on Sunday. Did my fever cause the m/c or did the impending m/c cause the fever? Did I get a bad batch of IvIg? Was the IV I got at the ER contaminated? Maybe I should have been on he.parin (this is the first cycle that I did not use he.parin). Or was it just doomed from the start? I guess I will never know what caused this pregnancy to go south. All I know is that my heart is broken. Again.

My family and the friends who know have been very supportive. Right now I am so sad, I can hardly breathe.