Secrets

I feel like I might be turning the corner in this grieving process. Today is the first day that I have felt this close to my normal self in a while. I really appreciate all of the supportive comments on this blog. It is really good to know that I am not alone out there in my fertility struggles.

Early in the process, my husband and I had decided not to tell our families about this last round of IVF. When we did round 1, I told everyone. I was so excited...all of my friends came to visit me when I was on bed rest. My hopes were really high, and of course I was devastated when we got a BFN. My list of people to call after we got the news was ridiculous, and I cried after each and every call.

The second round, I was a little more cautious. When I got pregnant, we were elated, but still cautious. I told my parents not to tell anyone. Somehow, my mom did not get that memo, and she announced it to her choir at church (the church I went to before I got married). What a mess. I found out because one of the choir members works at my doctor's office. My mom could not bring herself to make the announcement when I miscarried. Imagine the horror of running into someone from the choir months later and having to tell her that I am not pregnant. Also, my brother in law told his wife to be, and she in turn, told her parents. Her parents just happen to be the pastors at our current church. So of course, they both felt the need to add their two cents. Suffice it to say, the number of people who knew grew exponentially out of control.

So this time, we told no one. Well, almost no one. I told three friends, one who went through the same thing (3 miscarriages--she now has a baby boy). But no one in our family. I thought it would be easier for us to keep it a secret until after the first trimester. After things started going south, I did not want them to experience the pain and sadness that I was feeling. I thought it would be easier, but it is not. It is, in fact, very isolating. Every time I see my family, I feel like a pile of crap for keeping this secret from them.

Grief

My pregnancy is officially over. I went for a d&c on Monday. I decided to have the surgery because waiting for the pregnancy to resolve by itself was killing me. Also, they will run tests on the tissue to find out if a chromosomal abnormality caused the miscarriage. We should get the results of this test and our bloodwork in a couple of weeks. I came back to work yesterday, even though I am still grieving. I just don't think I should lay on the couch for the rest of the week.

Grief is such a powerful emotion. It feels like a heavy weight right in my chest. I feel much sadder this time around and I am really starting to question my faith. I hate to even give life to that statement by writing it down. But I keep waiting for God's infinite wisdom to show up and explain why this happened. Should we continue to try, or are we just banging our heads against a brick wall?

To add insult to injury, one of my husband's best friends just announced this week that he and his wife are expecting. And my brother's wife just told me that her nephew's girlfriend just had her twin babies this week (When he found out she was pregnant, he punched her in the stomach...it's a long and tragic story that I'll save for another time.) And I just got an email today from a friend of mine....a single friend mind you...and she is expecting...and it was definitely an accident. Now I would never wish my situation on anyone. And I know that each of these situations have nothing to do with me. But why do I have to hear about all this just days after the official end of my pregnancy? Is this some kind of cruel joke? I feel like I might lose my mind.

Thanks, Sunnie

Just wanted to give a quick shout out to Sunnie for showing me love on her blogs. And thanks to all of you for your kind thoughts, support and comments regarding my miscarriage.

TMI Alert!I went back to the doc on Monday and things are definitely declining. It's just a matter of time. It really sucks that it can take several weeks for the actual miscarriage to take place. I have not had any bleeding or cramping yet...my body just does not want to let this go. They want me to come back next week for more bloodwork & another ultrasound. I am still going through a wide range of emotions every day. I really need to take some time off work, but I'm trying to wait until I either start bleeding or until I schedule a d&c. I'd rather not have a d&c because I don't want to risk having any scar tissue that could complicate things later.

For now I am going to focus on healing (physically and emotionally) and some lifestyle changes. I need to lay off the junk food and get back to the gym. And I want to start running again. I know that running goes against what most doctors recommend when you are ttc. But thanks to all of the hormones, I have porked up to 180 lbs and that cannot be good. I know that 10 lbs is due to the hormones, but the rest is pure cake, cookies and ice cream. If I could lose even 5-10 lbs before we do another round I think that would help. I doubt that I have to worry about losing too much body fat right now. I have plenty to spare.

My Love Affair with TV, Part II

Here are my random thoughts about all the tv I've watched these past few days....

The Sopranos put it down hard in the very first episode. I mean, I think we all know that Tony has to get whacked at some point before the series ends, right? But I don't want him to die right now!! I think they just wanted to create some drama to suck us in, since they've been gone for so long.
****
Big Love looks like it will be interesting. I cannot imagine sharing my husband with another woman, much less two other women! Bill's mother poisoning his dad does not surprise me...I think one day she woke up and realized, "This is some bull-isht!!" Ha! And what's up with the creepy (pedophile) prophet? And his 14-year-old wife? Ick!
*****
I LOVE Grey's Anatomy. And so does my hubby, but he can't figure out why it appeals to him. (hehehe)I am so proud of Shonda Rhimes (Chi-town in the house)!
*****
24 is the most gripping hour of tv. I love this show because they bring it every single week. They don't take these ridiculous breaks like other shows (ahem, Lost). And Jack Bauer knows all the right moves. He's my hero.
*****
ANTM: Some of those girls are just not cute. I'm glad the racist republican girl was sent packing. I mean, didn't she realize that Tyra is black and that Mr. & Miss Jay are gay??? The evil part of me wishes that she stayed just to see her get read by Miss Jay and to see the black girls gang up on her. I am rooting for Nnenna. She looks so regal and she seems to have a lot of class. On a catty note, is it me, or has Tyra porked up a little lately?
*****
New shows on the radar
The New Adventures of Old Christine: Stars Julia Louis-Dreyfuss (Elaine from Seinfeld). She cracks me up...I hope this show makes it.

Sons & Daughters: Hee-larious.

I am hoping for new episodes of Everybody Hates Chris and My Name is Earl soon.
*****
Isaac Hayes has quit the show South Park. Why? Because they made fun of Scientology. See, he's okay with singing about salty balls, making fun of Christians, Jews, any minorities, white people, etc... But don't make fun of L. Ron Hubbard and his main prophet Tom Cruise. The buck stops there.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/entertainment/sns-celebrity-0314hayes,1,1081114.story?coll=chi-entertainmentfront-hed
*****

So I realize this is a whole lot of tv fluff for one sitting. But it's so good when it hits your lips. :-)

I Love Television

Things may suck right now on the baby train, but at least I still have tv to console me. Tonight is a television extravaganza. Desperate Housewives, Grey's Anatomy, the long-awaited return of the Sopranos, a new show called Big Love and the season finale of Flavor of Love. I need to go get my snacks ready.

Plateau

Today I went back to the doc for more bloodwork and another ultrasound. My numbers are down slightly and the ultrasound looks exactly the same--no growth. So the pregnancy is definitely declining. It's back to the doctor on Monday.

Praying for a Miracle

Today I went back to the RE for blood and ultrasound. I got the "good" technician and she could see the endometrial sack and the yolk sack. My beta hcg is still rising but not doubling as it should. The tech last week could not see the yolk sack at all. Of course, last week she couldn't even see my uterus.

So when the nurse called me today, she said that this is very unusual that they could see the yolk sack today. Things are still progressing very slowly, so they want me to come back on Thursday. They don't want me to go back on my meds, but she said I should continue the prenatal vitamin just in case. I told her about my difficulty with the one technician, and she said she would let the doctor know.

I realize the doctor does not want to give me false hope. And I don't know if they would admit to making a mistake. From what I've read, when things progress slowly like this, it usually means miscarriage. But I still believe that God can work a miracle. And that is what I am praying for.

I'm Devastated

Today my doctor told me that my pregnancy is not progressing. In other words, miscarriage number two. Too sad to write.