Secrets
I feel like I might be turning the corner in this grieving process. Today is the first day that I have felt this close to my normal self in a while. I really appreciate all of the supportive comments on this blog. It is really good to know that I am not alone out there in my fertility struggles.
Early in the process, my husband and I had decided not to tell our families about this last round of IVF. When we did round 1, I told everyone. I was so excited...all of my friends came to visit me when I was on bed rest. My hopes were really high, and of course I was devastated when we got a BFN. My list of people to call after we got the news was ridiculous, and I cried after each and every call.
The second round, I was a little more cautious. When I got pregnant, we were elated, but still cautious. I told my parents not to tell anyone. Somehow, my mom did not get that memo, and she announced it to her choir at church (the church I went to before I got married). What a mess. I found out because one of the choir members works at my doctor's office. My mom could not bring herself to make the announcement when I miscarried. Imagine the horror of running into someone from the choir months later and having to tell her that I am not pregnant. Also, my brother in law told his wife to be, and she in turn, told her parents. Her parents just happen to be the pastors at our current church. So of course, they both felt the need to add their two cents. Suffice it to say, the number of people who knew grew exponentially out of control.
So this time, we told no one. Well, almost no one. I told three friends, one who went through the same thing (3 miscarriages--she now has a baby boy). But no one in our family. I thought it would be easier for us to keep it a secret until after the first trimester. After things started going south, I did not want them to experience the pain and sadness that I was feeling. I thought it would be easier, but it is not. It is, in fact, very isolating. Every time I see my family, I feel like a pile of crap for keeping this secret from them.
posted by songbird36 @ 12:07 PM
6 Comments:
Delurking...
It seems you and I are following a similar paths in our IVF cycles as far as learning when to tell and not tell. We too told everyone the first time, few people the second. It was my husband who got all nutso and told everyone when we were pregnant about #2. I'd warned him not to tell everyone, but he was too elated. So when it failed... not so good.
I'm sorry to hear the 3rd one was so isolating for you. Don't beat yourself up about it. Your heart is in the right place. I'm sure they would understand that you have your reasons if they knew you weren't telling them everything.
first - so glad you're feeling a little better, that the sun's coming out in your world a bit. i wish you continued healing. you deserve to take as much time as you need to do so. you've been through so much. so much.
i found your post very enlightening. i've been posting about similar, as of late - who to tell, who not to tell, does it make it easier or harder, does it make me a liar NOT to tell. i can tell from all the nice comments i received on such a post that this is a common theme for those of us TTC. check out this post, but most especially, check out the insightful comments from the girlz:
http://utrus.blogspot.com/2006/03/pre-day-12-im-lying-little-teapot.html
hugs.
Lisa,
Glad to hear you're doing a lot better. It's funny. I go back and forth between who we should tell....it is all based on how I feel. If I am feeling hopeful, the more people I tell, if I am feeling less than hopeful, I do not tell many people at all.
I think you were really smart to tell in the stages you did. Of course, the first time you want the world to know....the 2nd time, you are cautious, but you don't want the whole choir to know lol that was too funny...and the 2rd time of course is going to be much more reserved.
As you go through this, I hope you find the support you need in whomever you tell.
I am going to email you about a small part of your post that I can identify with.
xoxoxo
Sunnie
I guess I am naturally more inclined to tell people. But for now I will keep my lips zipped. A few people have asked what is going on and I just told them that we have decided to keep our plans under wraps for now.
I am the type of person that would normally tell everybody. I decided not to tell my mom because she will not be supportive like I need her to be. I feel awful when I talk to her - I just want to blurt out "don't you know what I am going through" but she doesn't.
I think that not telling people is a good idea but you are right, it's a double edge sword with isolation on the other side.
When I was pregnant the first time my mother in law told everyone and their mama about the babyeven though I asked her to wait. Then after I miscarried I also had to deal with questions about my pregnancy for months afterwards. It only made the situation more painful. I was 5 months along and showing before I told her about my second pregnancy and she was upset, but I don't feel even a little bit bad about it. You have to do what's right for you in this situation and having everyone know what you are going through may not be what's right for you.
I hope that you feel better soon.
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