Crapped Out...Again

Today's u/s showed no heartbeat and the sack seems to have collapsed. They will call me later today to schedule a D&C. Once again, I can't believe this is my life. I don't even feel like blogging about this anymore. I mean, how much can I continue to say about the suckiness of the whole thing?

Not Out of the Woods Yet

So the good news is that there is a little embryo in there and it did actually implant far away from my big fibroid. It measured at 5 weeks, which is small, but within an acceptable range. We will know more when I go for another ultrasound next week. I stopped bleeding last Thursday and all was well over the weekend. The bad news is that I started bleeding again this afternoon. Overall, I had about two hours of "maybe this pg will stick this time" before I felt that all too familiar feeling in my nether regions.

It makes me so mad that every tidbit of good news is shrouded in bs when you are infertile. I am off to the couch for now to see if I can stave off my feelings of impending doom for another week.

I'm so confused!

HCG=115. I'm confused. The nurse is stunned. I'll go for an IvIg treatment on Wednesday. And an u/s early next week. Stay tuned...

Bloody Hell

Yesterday I got what I think is my period. I went for another beta this morning, so I should have the results later today. But right now it's not looking good. More later....

BFP....Maybe??

February 8, 2007
I went for my second beta test this morning. Now we wait. I don’t know how I am expected to function at work today. Normally I would take a day off to wait for the phone call. But since I just took several days off to go to Miami, I figured I should just suck it up and come in today.

This morning I was a little crampy when I woke up. For the past few days, I’ve had some fluttering in my nether regions. Also, a little nausea yesterday and today. I am also experiencing a twinge here and there and that tingling sensation in my uterus that I got last time. Are these symptoms or is that the progesterone talking? Or did I eat some bad cheese? I seriously might lose my mind between now and three o’clock.

Update:
The clinic called. Beta HCG=14. This result was unexpected. I will start with the he.parin shots tonight and go back for another blood test on Monday to see if my beta rises appropriately. I am really stunned, as I was expecting to run out of here with tears in my eyes today. I didn’t expect that they would be tears of joy. I know the number is not high, but for now, this cycle still has possibilities.

I want my life back

My baseline test was negative. They will do another test Thursday, but right now, it’s not looking good. I feel numb right now. Another failed cycle. I am starting to lose count. This was cycle number five. We had no embryos to freeze, so if we go for round 6, it will have to be a fresh cycle.

I am angry, sad and disgusted. I am sick of this entire process…sick of the shots and the tests and the procedures and the treatments and the pills and the doctors and the nurses and all the bs that goes along with trying to have a baby. I am sick of my fat body and the eff-ing stretchmarks…STRETCHMARKS!!! And no baby to show for it. I am wasting away at a job that I hate because I don’t want to start something new while we are trying to have a baby. Lord knows I don’t want to explain my situation to a new employer. I can’t run or exercise too hard because it might further impair my fertility. No drinking, no caffeine, no raw fish. It doesn’t make sense to buy any new clothes right now, because hopefully I’ll be pregnant soon. I feel like a loser all around. My self esteem is in the toilet.

Infertility is robbing me of my life.