Heartbroken

Thank you to everyone who has expressed their sympathies for the recent turn of events. And my apologies for not updating sooner. I have had a really hard time just getting out bed this past week and I have been even less inclined to write about this horrific experience. But, considering all of the money we've spent on this journey, I really need to keep my job. Therefore, I am being forced to start functioning again on some level, even if that means just showing up for work.

As you know, about three weeks ago I started bleeding. Ultrasound revealed that I had a blood clot in my uterus. The doctor was not overly concerned, but she did recommend bed rest until the bleeding stopped. It did stop for a little while, but then it came back. So I went back on bed rest and I did another round of ivig on Wednesday (10/11). The day after my treatment, I got really sick--vomiting, bleeding and a fever of nearly 103. I called my RE and she didn't think my illness was pregnancy-related. She recommended that take ty.lenol for the fever and that I see my primary care doc. I went to the primary care doc on Friday (10/13) and he sent me to the emergency room. Can I just say that the ER is nothing like what you see on television. There was no sense of urgency. I was there for six hours. (Also, I am not superstitious, but Friday the 13th??? Coincidence???) When I finally saw a doctor, she did an ultrasound and a pelvic exam. They did blood work and a urinalysis (sp?). Everything came back normal they could not find a source of any infection and they could not tell me why I had a fever. I was a bit dehydrated, so they treated me for that via IV. Everything with the baby appeared to be fine. So they sent me home and told me to keep taking the ty.lenol for the fever and to follow up with my RE on Monday. Saturday was a pretty low key day and my bleeding was light. I woke up in the middle of the night because the bleeding became heavier and it was accompanied by cramps and a backache. I called my RE on Sunday morning and she basically told me that we pretty much did everything we could do at this point and that I should come in on Monday for an evaluation as planned. She also said that if the amount of blood alarmed me that I should go back to the ER. However, it was her belief that they did all the right things at the ER on Friday (they did call and consult with her before they discharged me) and ultimately, the pregnancy is going to do what it is going to do. So I stayed in bed all day. And the bleeding got progressively worse. I lost count of how many clots I passed and how many pads I used. And at some point on Sunday, I knew that I was having a miscarriage. At times, I would get up to use the restroom and change my pad, and the new pad would fill up before I could even get back to the bed. It was horrible. Monday morning my mom drove me to the doctor and they confirmed that I had miscarried.

Looking back, I cannot help but wonder if there was something else I should have done. I wonder if I should have gone to the ER again on Sunday. Did my fever cause the m/c or did the impending m/c cause the fever? Did I get a bad batch of IvIg? Was the IV I got at the ER contaminated? Maybe I should have been on he.parin (this is the first cycle that I did not use he.parin). Or was it just doomed from the start? I guess I will never know what caused this pregnancy to go south. All I know is that my heart is broken. Again.

My family and the friends who know have been very supportive. Right now I am so sad, I can hardly breathe.

Update

Just wanted to put up a quick post to let you all know that I had a miscarriage yesterday (9w6d). I can't write about it right now, but I will try to post before the end of the week.

Scary Times

Oh, the bloody gore of the past few days! No, this post is not about halloween. It's not about the slew of scary movies coming out in the next few weeks. This is about the bleeding incident I had last week. Aaaaaaahhhhhh!

As you all know, the very last thing you want to see when you are pregnant is blood. I know this is going to be TMI, but hey you all should be used to this by now. :-) Thursday night I was standing in my kitchen when I felt this warm sensation down there. Now things are already kind of juicy down there, thanks to the cri.none. But this sensation felt strangely familiar, warm like my PERIOD. I flew to the bathroom and sure enough, blood. All I could think was no, no, no, no, NOOOOooooooo! I called the doctor and she was waaaay too calm. She said to see if the bleeding continued through the night and if so, call her in the morning. Of course the bleeding continued...enough to fill up a pad. And I passed a huge clot in the middle of the night. Oh, the horror! I did not sleep at all that night. I was terrified that I had flushed my baby down the toilet.

So when I call ed the doctor in the morning, she told me to go on bed rest until the bleeding stopped. I thought for certain she would want me to come in or meet her at the hospital or something. Plus, how could I make it all weekend without knowing whether or not I was still pregnant? Pure torture. I stayed in bed all weekend and the bleeding stopped. Then I went on Monday for an ultrasound. Everything is fine. Tears of relief. It's going to be a looooong seven months.

The doctor's explanation was that I developed a blood clot in my uterus due to my elevated NK (natural killer) cells. Since I just did an IvIg last week, all we can do now is wait to let the medicine do its thing. I go back for more bloodwork and U/S on Thursday. It's going to be a long seven months.