Work H-E-L-L!

I have been so busy at work this week. I don't mind being busy, but I have no tolerance for ridiculous requests.

Yesterday, one of our analysts called to fill me in on a project that he has been working on for the past 18 months. He told me that the company has invested millions of dollars on this project, it is very high profile and will probably get some media attention. He was on the phone with our CEO and they are really excited about the launch of this project. As part of this project, they want my group to produce a 500-page technical document. So far so good....I don't mind a big project. Then we get to the timing of said document. One week. Ridiculous. I need to find a new job before I hurt someone up in here.

I mean, in the entire 18 months that this man was writing this report, I can't understand why it never dawned on him to talk to the head of publishing (me). What a jerk. *hmph*

I love my doctor

My apologies for all of the technical mumbo jumbo to follow. I just need to write all of this stuff down while it is fresh in my brain.

I went for a consultation with my RE today to talk about our next steps. When I walked in to her office, she said, "I was just telling my colleague how much I love you." She is such a sweet, empathetic little woman. She has been known to give out frequent hugs and the occasional motherly kiss on the cheek. Okay, I don't know if she is this way with all of her patients, but she loves me and my hubby. She reminds me of a petite, white, blonde version of my mother. We'll call her Dr. Mom.

After my last miscarriage, I had a bunch of tests done to determine if there was an immunological factor that caused me to miscarry. 99% of my tests came back within a normal range. The only abnormality is that my CD4 cells (T-cells) were slightly elevated. There is no published research related to elevated T cells and recurrent pregnancy loss. All of the CD4 cell research that she could find was related to hiv and aids. And that research only addresses lower than normal values (not elevated). So all that to say that now I am going to see a RE who specializes in recurring pregnancy loss and the "soft" science of immune system factors. Hopefully, this specialist has information from her years of experience and practice that has yet to be published.

The genetic testing that they did on the tissue from the d&c was somewhat inconclusive.(Basically, they "grow" the tissue in a lab and then test it for genetic abnormalities.) The chromosomal makeup was 46XX. So we had the right number of chromosomes, and it was probably a girl. But there is no way for them to distinguish if my cells were growing or the cells from the embryo were growing. They can only confirm when it is a boy (46XY).

I really appreciate that Dr. Mom knows her limitations. She went over several options with me, reviewed all of my test results, and basically told me that she knows how to get me pregnant, but how to keep me pregnant might be beyond her expertise. And she gave me the name of another doctor at another clinic who has designed an entire program that deals with recurrent pregnancy loss. We talked a bit about the range of emotions related to multiple miscarriages, and she is so in touch with how all this crap breaks you down emotionally. She knows that my heart is still broken. She knows that I will need to be medicated if I have another miscarriage. Some doctors would just forge ahead with another cycle. But she won't until we at least try to understand what is going on with me. Thanks, Dr. Mom.

We also talked about some insurance issues. My insurance company seems to be under the impression that they are not going to pay for my last cycle. I guess they are hoping that if they just reject the charges, that I will just pay the bill. My doc expressed her outrage and encouraged me to file a complaint with the attorney general's office. (I'll save the crapload of insurance issues for another post.) She said that she finds that the fact that the insurance industry is built around trying to not pay claims "vile and offensive." Ha! I love that.

As I was walking out, she said that she can't wait to meet my kids. :)

Get your boogie on

I think all of us in fertilityland could use a good laugh....so enjoy.

Mother's Day Meltdown

The signs were everywhere that I should have just stayed in bed on Sunday, Mother's Day. Instead, I decided to follow my normal routine and go to church.

The first sign was that every outfit that I tried on was either too tight or had something else wrong with it. I wanted to look fresh and springy, but the only suit that fit properly was grey and blah. So, I got dressed and headed out to Sunday School. The main street that I take to church was closed for some reason, so I had to go several blocks out of the way, but hey, no biggie, right? Well, I get to church only to discover that the classes are cancelled. And that gives me 2 hours to kill before church. Since I live pretty close (about a 10 minute drive)I decided to go home and wait for my hubby to go back for the actual service. Of course on my way out the door, someone said to me "Oh happy Mother's Da...wait....you AREN'T a mother. Never mind." This person does not know my situation, but DANG, it still hurt my feelings. When I get back to my neighborhood, I was thwarted by a breast cancer walk. The one street that was blocked earlier turned into EVERY street being blocked. GAAH! Every street leading to my house was blocked. I thought about going grocery shopping to kill some time, but I had on high heels. Plus I didn't want to run the risk of having to keep the groceries in my car until after church. So I drove around for a while. thinking. about. being. childless. My two miscarriages. Curses on Hallmark for inventing stupid Mother's Day. Then the floodgates guarding my eyes sprung a leak. Just a little leak. A small sign of things to come.

I managed to get home through the alley. My hubby was getting ready for church. While I'm waiting, I watched an interview of Oprah on BET. She was yammering about her legends ball and how certain women inspired her as a child and she wanted to honor them, and how she hasn't forgotten where she came from blah, blah, blah. So what the heck, I started welling up again. For what, I don't know.

So the hubby is finally ready and we head off to church. I told him about the woman telling me that I am not a mother...he says, are you sure you want to go? We could go to breakfast? I told him no. None of my clothes fit this morning, so a giant stack of blueberry pancakes swimming in butter is not what I need. Lord, I need to learn to listen to my husband.

We get to church and of course, there is a huge Mother's Day Production. "We want to honor all mothers who gave birth to their child, adopted children, foster mothers, mothers who have passed on, mothers who for whatever reason did not raise their children, yada, yada, yada." Flowers, sentimental music, the works. So of course the floodgates busted wide open. I could not stop weeping. openly. For all to see, including my brother in law, his wife and her parents (they are the ministers). So I left. My husband drove me home. Actually, he dropped me off and went to run some errands. Not one bit of comfort. Not a hug. Not an encouraging word. He said, why don't you go in and take a nap. Maybe you'll feel better. Aaaaahhhhhh! (Sidenote: I wish he could take a class on sensitivity. Lately, he has none.)

I was feeling so overwhelmed with grief. Grief over the baby I lost last year and the baby I lost just a few months ago. I was sad that no one in my family knows about our recent loss and my husband does not know how to comfort me. I have yet to see him express any grief. (I know he took the last miscarriage really hard...he told me that he cried, but I never saw it.)

I like to think that I am a strong woman. I am smart, decisive and in control. I can usually pull myself up by my bootstraps when life strikes a painful blow. The past few months, I thought I was making great progress in dealing with all that has happened. I'm working every day, functioning like a regular person. And I have a lot to be thankful for in my life. I am thankful that my mom is alive and kicking, we have a good relationship and I appreciate all that she does in my life. I did my best to honor her on Mother's day with a gift, flowers and I managed to pull myself together to take her and my mother in law to dinner. But man, oh, man, my pain felt fresh on Sunday, like my miscarriage had just happened that day. The tears have stopped. But the sadness has not.

I never imagined....

...that I would see so many pregnant women in Napa Valley of all places! On Sunday morning we went to the "concierge lounge" for our free continental breakfast and it was like a pregnant ladies convention. I know I'm sensitive about the subject, but dang! I guess they were probably all going to the spa and not on a wine tour. Oh well.

The trip overall was excellent. Friday night we stayed in San Francisco by Fisherman's Wharf. Who knew that the wharf pretty much closes down as soon as it gets dark? We did manage to find an open restaurant in Ghiradelli Square. Our first day in Napa we toured the Chandon winery, and had a delicious dinner. Sunday we went on a wine tour...5 different wineries in a limo with two other couples. Monday we went to the spa, hung out by the pool and had dinner at the Culinary Institute of America. The weather was perfect...80 and sunny every day.

I was so sad to see so many of my IF friends got bad news while I was away. Sunnie and Jenny from the block, you both are in my thoughts and prayers. My heart is heavy today for all of us traveling through this wretched journey.

Corporate Madness

Even though I am a manager, I can admit that there are some poor managers in the world. I've heard many horror stories. I strive to be a good manager. I care about my staff. In many cases, I am their advocate. I don't micromanage. My door is always open. I want them to succeed. And yet, for some people it is just not enough. Some people are so unhappy in life that they need to direct their frustration at authority. And for one person, the closest authority figure in their lives is little ol' me. I am okay with the fact that everyone is not going to like me. But I don't understand when the hate is completely unwarranted. And in this case it is.

About two weeks ago, one of my staffers had a panic attack at work. I was on my way to the washroom, and I saw her in a co-worker's cube and she was doubled over, hyperventilating and clearly in distress. So I asked her if she wanted me to call an ambulance. She said no. Then I asked her if she wanted me to drive her to the hospital and she said yes. (It's only about 5 minutes away.)She said she was having pain in her chest and it felt like an esophagus spasm. I never heard of that, but okay, whatever. So the three of us went to my car and I drove her to the emergency room. They determined right away that she was not having a heart attack and the nurse told her to calm down. When they came to get her, the doctor told me and the other coworker to come back with her. They did an ekg and a chest x-ray and they came back fine.

I felt like I should have left the room so that she could talk freely. But apparently she had no problem with me being there. So the doctor asked her about her stress level. She told the doctor that she has anxiety every day. Then she proceeded to tell the doctor that her job was very stressful. This was news to me. After the doctor left, she started telling me how she and the other person in her area do not get along, how he has poor work habits and he hogs all the reports, blah, blah, blah. There was nothing in her conversation that struck me as particularly stressful or insurmountable. So I told her that her concerns could definitely be addressed, please don't wait until something is stressing you out before bringing it to my attention, my door is always open etc....

The doctor said she had a panic attack. He offered her some drugs, which she declined. Then she was discharged. She went home and I went back to work. After that, she called in sick every day for the next week and a half. I called to check on her, but she did not call me back. Then she showed up for work yesterday.

I knew she was back, not because she stopped by, but because I could hear her laughing down the hall. So I walked over to say hello. I said hey, I see you're back....how are you feeling? She replied "I feel wonderful." Her tone was sarcastic. I ignored her tone and asked her to stop by my office later.

When she stopped by, I had someone in my office, so she walked away. Then about 30 seconds later, she came back and said "I was trying to wait, but you are taking too long. I just want to tell you that I am resigning!" And then she just walked away. She was rude and agitated. So I went over to her cube and she was getting her coat. She threw her keycard on the desk and said I'm leaving. If you need anything, you can call my cell phone. And then she took her little suitcase and rolled on outta here. Same agitated tone. WHO DOES THIS???

I mean, if you want to quit, feel free. Lord knows I don't plan on staying here forever. But why all the drama? I know that I didn't do anything to her. I have to believe that she is simply out of her mind. Oh well. I hate that kind of excitement. Now I'm worried that she will come after me when I least expect it.

Babytrain update
AF came on Friday. So I will chart this month and if nothing happens, back to the doc for IVF number 4. I am going for a consult on May 17 to get the results of my $1,555 immunology screening.

We are going to Napa Valley this weekend, so maybe I'll get drunk and my hubby will take advantage of me and I'll get knocked up. Here's to keeping hope alive. :-)