Another Day in the Chi...

I'm over here...

2007-12-23T23:24:00.000-08:00

http://simonesstory.wordpress.com/

I am struggling to journal about my baby because much of my time is spent at the hospital. But I will try to keep you all up to date on her progress.

A New Phase in My Life

2007-11-24T21:44:00.000-08:00

I know...I'm a terrible blogger. But with good reason. My baby surprised us all by making her appearance more than three months early...I was 23 weeks plus 2 day pregnant. I gave birth to a baby girl on November 19. She weighs 1lb 2 ounces and she is 11 inches long. She is very small, but she is a fighter. I probably won't be writing much here anymore, but I may start a new blog focusing on life as a mom of a preemie...

Everyone Stinks!

2007-08-08T12:48:00.000-07:00

Warning: This is a whiney, complaint-ridden post. I know it is written in the IF rulebook that once you get pregnant, you are supposed to ride a happy cloud all the way to the delivery room, but I am working to change that rule!

Have you ever seen this nose spray commercial where the guy's entire head is just one giant nose? Well, that's how I feel. I can smell everything. And everything smells bad. That, coupled with the nausea which has kicked in full swing, makes me want to just stay in the house. Or better yet, in the bed with the covers pulled up over my super-smelling snout. I mean when I step outside of my office building, I can smell every restaurant within a five block radius. I smell the garbage, the smoke, exhaust fumes from the buses and the funk that emanates from every homeless person I walk past. Of course, it doesn't help that it is 100 degress outside with 99% humidity.

Honestly though, I wouldn't mind the smells if it didn't make me want to puke. Amazingly, I have only tossed my cookies once so far. But I feel like I could do it again all the time. The only time I'm not nauseous is when I'm sleeping. If only I had a couch in my office. sigh.

I am glad to report that all is well as far as I know. I did not get an U/S this week because my doctor fell and broke her arm. But my labs are fine.

Seven weeks, four days...

2007-08-01T11:39:00.000-07:00

...and all is well on the baby front. The bb measured in at eight weeks during today's U/S and the heartrate is at 146. I did an IvIg/intralipid infusion on Friday, so hopefully that will keep these NK cells in check. These next few weeks are critical as this was about the time things went south before.

As far as symptoms go, I am nauseous all the time and my bo.obs are ENORMOUS. I have also had a headache off and on for the past few days. Overall, I seem to do better when I am able to get plenty of sleep. This involves taking a two hour nap after work and then going to bed by 10:30. Today I got to sleep in a little and it was luscious. I just pray that things continue to go well.

I Confess...

2007-07-20T13:00:00.000-07:00

I have just been too durn lazy to update my blog. Work has been fairly busy and after work all I want to do is sleep. All is well with my pregnancy so far. I am six weeks today. My main symptoms are extreme fatigue, extreme hunger and extremely oily skin. I am starting to experience a bit of nausea, but generally it only happens when I'm not eating enough.

The craziest thing is that my weight has shifted already. I realize most of it has to be bloat because the baby is only a dot right now. But I am already wearing my belly band with some of my pants because they are too tight to button. I feel like a balloon.

The next six weeks will be crucial as this is about the time things have gone south in my previous pregnancies. However, I don't want to dwell on that...just happy thoughts.

Hello?? Hello??? Is this thing on??????

2007-07-06T09:42:00.000-07:00

I know it's been waay too long. And I could give you a whole litany of excuses on why I haven't been blogging. But the truth is, I just got tired of writing about infertility. And work has been kicking my bee-hind. And it's summer and I'd rather spend my free time frolicking in the sun. I know, blah, blah, BLAHHHHH!

You may wonder what brought me back to the world of blogging? Well I have news! And the news is that I am pregnant!! It is still quite early (too early to see anything of significance on the ultrasound) but so far, so good. I am happy that we have made it over this hurdle and I am trying really hard this time to just take it one day at a time. Yesterday I did a round of IvIg and intralipid and right now, all of my numbers look good.

That is all for now. I'll check in with you all next week. :-)

Hasta La Vista!

2007-05-08T12:44:00.000-07:00

So I have been promising to update soon...and I will...as soon as I get back from Mexico! The hubs and I are taking a much-needed vacation down to the baja peninsula. Hopefully, when I return my computer will be repaired and I will be rested and inspired to write something besides another bitch-fest about my fertility issues.

Just an fyi...we will be doing a fresh IVF cycle in June. This is our sixth cycle and there is no more insurance. And I am turning 39 next month. No pressure there, right? So yeah, I need a va-cay. I plan to lie on the beach and drink heavily...well not really since tequila and metformin don't mix. Maybe I'll take a vacation from the metformin too cuz I really could use a drink. I know it's not what Jesus would do, but hopefully he understands. :-)

I'll Be Back

2007-04-26T18:18:00.000-07:00

Sorry I have been away for so long. There has been some craziness at work (they actualy want me to do work, and lots of it!) and my home computer has been on the blink (do any of you Mac users know how to resolve kernel panics???) Just an fyi, we are on track for cycle number 6 in June. I'll write a real post soon and we can catch up...k?

Thank you all

2007-03-01T13:06:00.000-08:00

I am always overwhelmed by the outpouring (is that a word?) of concern and support that I get from the IF community on the internet. Thanks to each of you for your comments. It means a lot to know that I am not alone.

I had the d&c yesterday. I'm back at work today. I just didn't see the point of sitting at home alone with all the time in the world to wallow in self-pity. I can wallow just as easily at work, thereby saving my sick days for when it is 85 and sunny out and I get my annual case of spring/summer fever. Anyhoo, we will have a report from the genetics lab in 4-6 weeks. So until then we will take a much needed break from the high tech ART world. I want to take a vacation and I am seriously considering a career change. Really, I just want to spend some time focusing on me. I want to feel good about myself again.

Surprisingly, I'm not very weepy today. I'm probably still in shock. If I'm lucky, I can time my pending breakdown for this weekend, safely tucked away in the comfort of my own home.

I thought I would find some comfort in my return to the morning iced soy chai latte from Sta.rbucks. But it just gave me the shakes. Evil caffeine jitters. It's just as well since I really plan to use this time off to lose some weight and adapt a healthier lifestyle. Since I've been off the caffeine for so long, I shouldn't even indulge in that addiction, right? Right.

Crapped Out...Again

2007-02-27T11:45:00.000-08:00

Today's u/s showed no heartbeat and the sack seems to have collapsed. They will call me later today to schedule a D&C. Once again, I can't believe this is my life. I don't even feel like blogging about this anymore. I mean, how much can I continue to say about the suckiness of the whole thing?

Not Out of the Woods Yet

2007-02-20T16:46:00.000-08:00

So the good news is that there is a little embryo in there and it did actually implant far away from my big fibroid. It measured at 5 weeks, which is small, but within an acceptable range. We will know more when I go for another ultrasound next week. I stopped bleeding last Thursday and all was well over the weekend. The bad news is that I started bleeding again this afternoon. Overall, I had about two hours of "maybe this pg will stick this time" before I felt that all too familiar feeling in my nether regions.

It makes me so mad that every tidbit of good news is shrouded in bs when you are infertile. I am off to the couch for now to see if I can stave off my feelings of impending doom for another week.

I'm so confused!

2007-02-12T13:43:00.000-08:00

HCG=115. I'm confused. The nurse is stunned. I'll go for an IvIg treatment on Wednesday. And an u/s early next week. Stay tuned...

Bloody Hell

2007-02-12T08:17:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I got what I think is my period. I went for another beta this morning, so I should have the results later today. But right now it's not looking good. More later....

BFP....Maybe??

2007-02-08T15:45:00.000-08:00

February 8, 2007
I went for my second beta test this morning. Now we wait. I don’t know how I am expected to function at work today. Normally I would take a day off to wait for the phone call. But since I just took several days off to go to Miami, I figured I should just suck it up and come in today.

This morning I was a little crampy when I woke up. For the past few days, I’ve had some fluttering in my nether regions. Also, a little nausea yesterday and today. I am also experiencing a twinge here and there and that tingling sensation in my uterus that I got last time. Are these symptoms or is that the progesterone talking? Or did I eat some bad cheese? I seriously might lose my mind between now and three o’clock.

Update:
The clinic called. Beta HCG=14. This result was unexpected. I will start with the he.parin shots tonight and go back for another blood test on Monday to see if my beta rises appropriately. I am really stunned, as I was expecting to run out of here with tears in my eyes today. I didn’t expect that they would be tears of joy. I know the number is not high, but for now, this cycle still has possibilities.

I want my life back

2007-02-07T16:00:00.000-08:00

My baseline test was negative. They will do another test Thursday, but right now, it’s not looking good. I feel numb right now. Another failed cycle. I am starting to lose count. This was cycle number five. We had no embryos to freeze, so if we go for round 6, it will have to be a fresh cycle.

I am angry, sad and disgusted. I am sick of this entire process…sick of the shots and the tests and the procedures and the treatments and the pills and the doctors and the nurses and all the bs that goes along with trying to have a baby. I am sick of my fat body and the eff-ing stretchmarks…STRETCHMARKS!!! And no baby to show for it. I am wasting away at a job that I hate because I don’t want to start something new while we are trying to have a baby. Lord knows I don’t want to explain my situation to a new employer. I can’t run or exercise too hard because it might further impair my fertility. No drinking, no caffeine, no raw fish. It doesn’t make sense to buy any new clothes right now, because hopefully I’ll be pregnant soon. I feel like a loser all around. My self esteem is in the toilet.

Infertility is robbing me of my life.

And Now We Wait

2007-01-30T09:37:00.000-08:00

Remember all those eggs from the other day? Well only eight of them were actually mature and seven fertilized. I'm really surprised that we didn't have more viable eggs, but we have something, so I'm not complaining. We popped four of those in the oven yesterday. The other three are being cultivated to see if they make it to blast stage. If so, we will freeze them. For whatever reason, we don't seem to have much luck with the frozen embies, but you never know.

My baseline test is scheduled for next Tuesday, thank goodness. I don't know if I could wait for a full two weeks.

In the meantime, my hubby and I are still trying to get to the Super (Soul) Bowl this weekend without breaking the bank. I'll keep you posted. Miami or bust!

The Egg Report

2007-01-26T16:12:00.000-08:00

They aspirated 20 eggs today. Wow wee! I knew things were tingling down here, but this is way beyond my expectations. Thanks to you all for your kind words and thoughts. I should have a fertility report tomorrow or Sunday.

Cycle Update

2007-01-23T17:07:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I can't believe that we are in the midst of our fifth cycle. If it doesn't work this time, I think I might be done. I am sick of this quest to have a baby consuming my life. I am sick of stupid shots. And pills. And wanding. Giant ovaries. ick. Nausea and fatigue with no guarantee of a baby at the end. Sick. of. it. all. (Okay, I might be having some sort of hormonal surge right now.)

Anyhow, besides feeling emotionally unstable right now, everything is still on track with this cycle. They saw about 12 follies at my last appointment, my lining is nice and thick and my E2 level is where it needs to be. I take the big shot of HCG tomorrow night and the retrieval is scheduled for Friday. If all goes well, the transfer will probably be on Monday. Right now, I need a nap. Wish me luck.

Stimulation

2007-01-16T14:08:00.000-08:00

I started my stims yesterday, and I swear, my ovaries are already pushing up against my bladder. Gah! I feel rather blah about this cycle. I really don’t want to get all worked up for the fifth time. So for now, I am trying to act like everything is normal. I’m not talking it up with everyone around me and really, I’m trying not to think about it too much. Tomorrow afternoon I go for my first IvIg treatment for this cycle. After that, most likely I’ll go in for retrieval next Wednesday or Thursday. If all goes well, I’ll go for transfer Saturday or Sunday.

So here’s an interesting possibility. My husband is a Bears fan. And by fan, I mean fanatic. For those of you who don’t follow football, the Bears are one game away from going to the Superbowl, which is being played in Miami this year. Of course if the Bears go to Miami, so is my husband. And so am I. However, if all goes as planned with this cycle, we will be in the midst of our two week wait. I don’t want to risk flying during this time, so we plan to make it a road trip. All. The. Way. To. Florida. Wish us luck.

On the tv/entertainment front…I am so proud of Jennifer Hudson. She looked pretty and was so gracious when she accepted her award. She did Chi-town proud. Also, congrats to Eddie Murphy, Forest Whitaker, Shonda Rhimes and America Ferrera on their Golden Globes.

Did you all watch 24 this weekend??? Oh. My. GOD! This show continues to raise the bar each season and last weekend’s four-hour event was no exception. My favorite highlights:

Jack went all Hannibal Lechter on us to escape from the terrorists.
“You aren’t my friend! You can’t even pronounce my name correctly!”
Jack shoots Curtis in the neck! (Oh my God! You killed Curtis!!!)
And the coup de gras (sp??) was the actual detonation of a nuclear bomb in Los Angeles. Wow wee!

What the heck was the crying episode about? Suck it up Jack! There’s no crying in baseball! Or national security! Ahh, I love his show.

Finally, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention how pleased I am that Barack Obama is taking the next step toward making a run for the presidency. This country is ready for a change. I just pray for his safety and the safety of his family.

100 Things About Me

2007-01-10T12:53:00.000-08:00

So I started this list about six months ago. And I finally finished today. Whew. Enjoy.

1. I live on the south side of Chicago.
2. The south side is scary to me because I grew up in the west suburbs.
3. I have two brothers.
4. I only grew up with my baby bro. My older brother grew up with his mother.
5. I only met my older brother once and I don’t know where his is now.
6. I couldn’t stand my little brother when I was a child.
7. He is one of my favorite people now.
8. We both attended private schools until college.
9. We attended the same college, seven years apart.
10. I am married to a lawyer.
11. Most of his clients are criminals.
12. He represented one of my former staff members after she doused her husband in hot oatmeal. She got probation and had to go to anger management class.
13. I hate fighting with him because he fights dirty. Thankfully, we hardly ever fight.
14. We met at a nightclub.
15. I am too embarrassed to tell people where we met, so I usually make something up when people ask.
16. He is proud of where we met.
17. Shortly after we met, we discovered that my mom’s good friend grew up with his mom.
18. And our brothers knew each other in college.
19. And my brother married a girl that my brother in law liked in college.
20. I didn’t know my husband was ticklish for the first year after we met because he told me he was not.
21. When I found out I vowed to tickle him every day. :-)
22. I play the flute and the piano.
23. I own a guitar, but I don’t know how to play (yet).
24. I sing better than I play.
25. I used to sing in a Christian rock band.
26. I am a classically trained singer.
27. I plan to audition for the Lyric Opera Chorus every year until I get in.
28. I am on the praise team at church.
29. I regret not majoring in music in college.
30. I have a degree in print journalism.
31. I actually work in my chosen field.
32. I often wonder if it is too late for me to choose a different field.
33. Eight people report to me, including an administrative assistant.
34. My parents have been married for 39 years.
35. People usually think my mother is my sister.
36. My parents recently bought a five bedroom house in the south suburbs.
37. My mom is retired. My dad works because he was bored when he retired.
38. I think they secretly won the lottery.
39. I ran the Chicago Marathon in 1999.
40. After the race I did not run again for almost a year.
41. I gained 25 pounds during that year.
42. Now when I run, it is usually 5 miles or less.
43. I am an iPod/iTunes junkie.
44. I have 4,237 songs on my iPod.
45. The genres range from opera to hip hop and everything in between.
46. I currently wear a “fusion” weave. It is FABULOUS.
47. I wore braids in college.
48. I had a jheri curl in high school and my first year of college.
49. I’m convinced the curl affected my popularity in college.
50. Being a manager affects my popularity at work.
51. I don’t care about being popular (anymore) (hmph).
52. I love to eat.
53. I hated cooking until I got married.
54. I learned to cook against my will from my mom.
55. I am now an excellent cook.
56. We host Christmas every year because of my cooking.
57. My dad secretly thinks I have Christmas dinner catered because I never cooked when I lived with my parents.
58. Christmas is my favorite holiday.
59. When I leave corporate America, I might start a catering business with my mom and brother.
60. I love to read.
61. I was a late bloomer. I blame my parents for allowing me to get a jheri curl but not allowing me to wear makeup until I was 16.
62. Now I rarely leave the house without at least a little makeup on my face.
63. I am addicted to The Sims 2.
64. I am also addicted to chocolate.
65. It took me five years to graduate from college because I changed my major four times.
66. My majors were engineering, education, English and journalism.
67. I should have majored in music.
68. All of my college roommates married and had children before me.
69. I introduced one of my roommates to her husband.
70. I am reproductively challenged.
71. I dated a drug addict for three years after college. I didn’t know he was an addict when we met.
72. We met at church.
73. He got one of my fellow choir members pregnant. He denied ever sleeping with her.
74. One of the reasons we broke up (besides the drugs, lies and cheating) was because I didn’t want him to continue denying his child on my account.
75. He is now a minister. It’s hard for me not to judge.
76. I have never used drugs.
77. I dated a host of other losers before I met my wonderful husband. None were as heinous as the drug addict.
78. One ex-boyfriend left me a long voicemail on the day before my wedding to tell me how he regretted the way things ended between us and that he hoped I would be happy with my husband to be.
79. I never called him back.
80. The last time I saw him was right before my birthday. He wished me happy birthday.
81. It was creepy that he remembered, considering we broke up almost 10 years ago.
82. I am addicted to beauty products—makeup, skin, hair, it does not matter.
83. I rarely leave the house without makeup, unless I am going to the gym.
84. I was not allowed to wear makeup until I turned 16.
85. I started wearing makeup secretly in 7th grade
86. I was not allowed to have phone calls from boys until I was 16.
87. I still struggle talking to the opposite sex at times.
88. My brother was allowed to have a girlfriend in 8th grade.
89. I plan to work really hard at not having double standards for my boy and girl children (when we have children).
90. I have a tendency to misplace/ lose things.
91. I have a pet cat named Betty. She lives with my brother’s cat Nina at my parents’ house.
92. I was on the basketball team in high school. Our coach was so intense that I used to have nightmares about running suicides.
93. I use to talk in my sleep. Sometimes my dad would have entire conversations with me while I was sleep.
94. I love going to the movies. We hardly ever went to the movies when I was a growing up. Now I go at least one a week.
95. I have a weird obsession with mob movies (e.g., The Godfather, Casino, Goodfellas). I can watch them over and over again.
96. I was in the movie Hoop Dreams. My brother was on the basketball team featured in the movie. I was taking pictures at their awards banquet.
97. I love gadgets.
98. I love to travel. I’ve been to London, Paris, Madrid, Tahiti, Jamaica and the Bahamas. I have also traveled all over the U.S. including Hawaii and most recently Napa Valley.
99. I hope to go to Italy next time I go overseas.
100. I am addicted to St.arbucks and I hold my husband fully responsible. I didn’t drink coffee before we met.

Happy New Year!

2007-01-02T14:02:00.000-08:00

I took a little hiatus from blogging for a while, but I'm back now, and I hope to update more regularly.

On the IF front: We are starting a new IVF cycle with retrieval planned for late January. We learned from the last cycle that I have a PAI 1 gene mutation. This mutation is not uncommon, but coupled with my elevated NK cells it caused the blood clot in my uterus, which led to my last miscarriage. We are trying everything but the kitchen sink for this cycle.IvIg, met.for.minmin, vitamin B and folic acid supplements, prenatal vitamins, baby aspirin, dexa.methasone and hepa.rin after a positive pregnancy test. This is the first cycle that we will have to pay for ourselves, since my insurance coverage has been exhausted. Thankfully, we have been really good savers and my hubby's business is doing well. And for whatever reason, my insurance company still covers most of the drugs. Miraculously, I am still hopefully and cautiously optimistic.I did not think the whole therapy thing would work, but I feel pretty good these days, so I maybe it is worthwhile afterall.

We had a lovely Christmas this year, with no hosting responsibilities for me. (Yay!) The hubby and I exchanged gifts first thing in the morning. I gave him a new watch. But not just any watch. I splurged and got him a Ro.lex. I know this was extravagant, especially in light of our upcoming expenses, but I know that once we have kids, this kind of extravagance will be out of the question. His look of utter shock and subsequent joy was worth it. He gave me a Gucci bag, a new wallet and a new phone. Later we went to my parents' house for brunch. My mom made some deeee-liciouis shrimp 'n grits. Even my hubby, who formerly believed that "grits are the enemy," could not get enough. We exchanged gifts with my folks and my brother & sis in law.

That evening, we went to the in-laws for dinner and yet another gift exchange. We could not resist going a little overboard with the gifts for our nephew. I especially loved the enormous stuffed dog that my husband picked out. Our final destination was my brother's wife's parents' house (they live around the corner from my in-laws) for games and frolicking with the numerous kids who swarm over there at Christmastime. We got to meet the twins--my brothers God daughters who were born three months prematurely. They only had a 50% chance of survival when they were born. Miraculously, it has been nine months and they both survived and are doing fine.

We decided to stay in for New Year's Eve, and ultimately ended up hosting an impromptu gathering. It was quite nice.

I planned to avoid the whole resolution thing. So much of my life has been put on hold these past few years as we pursue our quest to start a family. It seems crazy to make yet another list of promises for the coming year, only to have my plans thwarted by grief and disappointment and my inability to make any life changes just yet. However, I am learning that life goes on. I don't want our IF battle to steal any more precious time than what is absolutely necessary. I have high hopes for 2007, but mostly, I just want to have a baby. Whether or not that happens, I hope I can be a little less self-absorbed, a little more giving and open, a little more thoughtful and a little less serious. I want to continue singing and other hobbies that bring me joy. I hope to develop more as a writer, and possibly find some cool freelance opportunities. I hope to devote more time to friends, family and develop more positive and uplifting relationships. I don't know what 2007 holds in store for me, but I can't wait to find out.

Heartbroken

2006-10-23T11:48:00.000-07:00

Thank you to everyone who has expressed their sympathies for the recent turn of events. And my apologies for not updating sooner. I have had a really hard time just getting out bed this past week and I have been even less inclined to write about this horrific experience. But, considering all of the money we've spent on this journey, I really need to keep my job. Therefore, I am being forced to start functioning again on some level, even if that means just showing up for work.

As you know, about three weeks ago I started bleeding. Ultrasound revealed that I had a blood clot in my uterus. The doctor was not overly concerned, but she did recommend bed rest until the bleeding stopped. It did stop for a little while, but then it came back. So I went back on bed rest and I did another round of ivig on Wednesday (10/11). The day after my treatment, I got really sick--vomiting, bleeding and a fever of nearly 103. I called my RE and she didn't think my illness was pregnancy-related. She recommended that take ty.lenol for the fever and that I see my primary care doc. I went to the primary care doc on Friday (10/13) and he sent me to the emergency room. Can I just say that the ER is nothing like what you see on television. There was no sense of urgency. I was there for six hours. (Also, I am not superstitious, but Friday the 13th??? Coincidence???) When I finally saw a doctor, she did an ultrasound and a pelvic exam. They did blood work and a urinalysis (sp?). Everything came back normal they could not find a source of any infection and they could not tell me why I had a fever. I was a bit dehydrated, so they treated me for that via IV. Everything with the baby appeared to be fine. So they sent me home and told me to keep taking the ty.lenol for the fever and to follow up with my RE on Monday. Saturday was a pretty low key day and my bleeding was light. I woke up in the middle of the night because the bleeding became heavier and it was accompanied by cramps and a backache. I called my RE on Sunday morning and she basically told me that we pretty much did everything we could do at this point and that I should come in on Monday for an evaluation as planned. She also said that if the amount of blood alarmed me that I should go back to the ER. However, it was her belief that they did all the right things at the ER on Friday (they did call and consult with her before they discharged me) and ultimately, the pregnancy is going to do what it is going to do. So I stayed in bed all day. And the bleeding got progressively worse. I lost count of how many clots I passed and how many pads I used. And at some point on Sunday, I knew that I was having a miscarriage. At times, I would get up to use the restroom and change my pad, and the new pad would fill up before I could even get back to the bed. It was horrible. Monday morning my mom drove me to the doctor and they confirmed that I had miscarried.

Looking back, I cannot help but wonder if there was something else I should have done. I wonder if I should have gone to the ER again on Sunday. Did my fever cause the m/c or did the impending m/c cause the fever? Did I get a bad batch of IvIg? Was the IV I got at the ER contaminated? Maybe I should have been on he.parin (this is the first cycle that I did not use he.parin). Or was it just doomed from the start? I guess I will never know what caused this pregnancy to go south. All I know is that my heart is broken. Again.

My family and the friends who know have been very supportive. Right now I am so sad, I can hardly breathe.

Update

2006-10-16T16:09:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to put up a quick post to let you all know that I had a miscarriage yesterday (9w6d). I can't write about it right now, but I will try to post before the end of the week.

Scary Times

2006-10-03T08:20:00.000-07:00

Oh, the bloody gore of the past few days! No, this post is not about halloween. It's not about the slew of scary movies coming out in the next few weeks. This is about the bleeding incident I had last week. Aaaaaaahhhhhh!

As you all know, the very last thing you want to see when you are pregnant is blood. I know this is going to be TMI, but hey you all should be used to this by now. :-) Thursday night I was standing in my kitchen when I felt this warm sensation down there. Now things are already kind of juicy down there, thanks to the cri.none. But this sensation felt strangely familiar, warm like my PERIOD. I flew to the bathroom and sure enough, blood. All I could think was no, no, no, no, NOOOOooooooo! I called the doctor and she was waaaay too calm. She said to see if the bleeding continued through the night and if so, call her in the morning. Of course the bleeding continued...enough to fill up a pad. And I passed a huge clot in the middle of the night. Oh, the horror! I did not sleep at all that night. I was terrified that I had flushed my baby down the toilet.

So when I call ed the doctor in the morning, she told me to go on bed rest until the bleeding stopped. I thought for certain she would want me to come in or meet her at the hospital or something. Plus, how could I make it all weekend without knowing whether or not I was still pregnant? Pure torture. I stayed in bed all weekend and the bleeding stopped. Then I went on Monday for an ultrasound. Everything is fine. Tears of relief. It's going to be a looooong seven months.

The doctor's explanation was that I developed a blood clot in my uterus due to my elevated NK (natural killer) cells. Since I just did an IvIg last week, all we can do now is wait to let the medicine do its thing. I go back for more bloodwork and U/S on Thursday. It's going to be a long seven months.

Heartbeat

2006-09-20T12:30:00.000-07:00

Everything went fine at today's appointment. The baby-blob is growing at a normal rate and I could see the heartbeat. I may have to start heparin soon, but so far, so good. My hubby was so sweet last night. I am such a nervous wreck, I really wanted him to go to my appointment with me today. He really wanted to come to the ultrasound, but he had to be in court this morning. So he gave me his wedding band so that I would have a part of him with me today. I love this man.

My brother's wife called me last night to express her sheer joy about our news. She is such a sweetheart. She was unsure about whether or not to call me yet, but in the end, she decided to call. She asked me if she could throw my baby shower, which made me want to cry. I am so touched to know that she thinks of me as a sister.

It's really odd to see how happy people are for us. I am really not at that joyful stage yet, and I don't know if I will get there any time soon. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful beyond words. But it is really hard for me to think too far ahead right now. I need to start doing some yoga or something to calm my nerves.

Things that made me want to vomit so far today:
1. The smell of the chicken noodle soup I got for lunch today. I had to throw it away.
2. The homeless man sitting outside my building picking at a sore on his leg.
3. The smell of 40 different perfumes in the lobby. (Our building is hosting a discount perfume sale today and tomorow. gag!)
4. The Woodstock Choco Cranberry Crunch trail mix sitting on my desk. I usually love this stuff but not today.
5. On the package it says that Woodstock Farms provides a habitat beneficials (bugs that feed on pests). Just thinking about all the bugs. G.A.G.

Thankfully, somehow I have managed to keep my food in my belly. Barely.

Edit: I was horrified to see how crazy this post looked. Blogger was doing some crazy stuff yesterday...that's it..it was blogger's fault!

And then there was one

2006-09-13T09:18:00.000-07:00

Today's ultrasound revealed that one embryo is growing. I am happy that there is some normal activity going on in there. I am sad for the ones that didn't make it. Overall, the good outweighs the bad. I'm still pregnant.

My Folks

2006-09-12T16:15:00.000-07:00

A conversation with my mom:

Mom: How do you feel?
Me: Nauseous.
Mom: Good, good. Hopefully you’ll be throwing up soon.

A conversation with my dad:

Me: I have something to tell you.
Daddy: I already know you are pregnant.
Me: How do you know?
Daddy: I’m old school. I can just tell.

Let the Worrying Begin!

2006-09-11T08:19:00.000-07:00

As you might already know, I have been down this road before. Twice, to be exact. So while I am very happy that we have crossed a major hurdle, I am still terrified. My old clinic was big on the constant monitoring. I would go 2-3 times a week for blood and ultrasound. Even though it was a little stressful waiting for that phone call at 2pm every other day, at least I knew where things stood. Our current clinic only does once a week monitoring. ONCE A WEEK! That gives me 7 whole days between appointments to wonder what's going on in there. Seven days to worry about every little twinge, cramp and pain. Seven days of examining my discharge 75 times a day (I know, tmi) and wondering is it supposed to be this color? (Any expert crinone users out there?)Honestly, I don't know how I will stay sane.

Anyhoo, I went for an ultrasound, bloodwork and another dose of IvIg on Thursday. One thing I really like about this clinic is that my doctor does her own ultrasound scans. No stupid technician who can't find my uterus. Also, they have a really cool high tech 3D ultrasound machine. From the ultrasound, it looks like at least two of the embryos implanted. One of the doctors seemed to think there might be three, but it was too early to tell. Three! Weeee!

I go back for another ultrasound on Wednesday. Pray that I don't lose my mind before then.

Drum Roll, Please.....

2006-09-05T13:27:00.000-07:00

To all my lovely internet friends, you can breathe easy for the moment....
Beta HCG=470=pregnant! :-)

The Torture Wait Continues

2006-09-01T08:17:00.000-07:00

In my mind, I thought that testing on 8dp3dt seemed a little odd. I mean, that's really early, right? But on the instruction sheet they gave me after the transfer, it said that they will do a pregnancy test on Sept. 1 and again on Sept. 5. Well the nurse confirmed that today's bloodwork was just a baseline test and that they will not be calling me with any results today. I go back on Tuesday for the real deal. Curses! How will I make it all weekend without knowing? Will I be able to resist the poas trap? (Stupid First Respon.se value pack!!) Has TiVo stored up enough episodes of Nip/Tuck to keep me occupied for an entire weekend? Maybe that and a good old Law & Order SVU marathon will get me through.

Just for Kicks While I'm Waiting

2006-08-31T07:02:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, my administrative assistant got sick in the middle of the day. She said she was nauseous and kind of light headed, so I told her to just go home. Before she left, I teasingly asked her if she was pregnant. She said noooo. She has had problems with low blood pressure in the past, so she was just going to have her husband take her to the hospital. So she left, and I pondered if it was illegal or simply inappropriate for me to tease her about being pregnant. You probably already know what happened this morning.

She came in my office to tell me that she is five weeks pregnant. Now of course I am happy for her. She is a very good employee and I genuinely like her as a person. She and her husband are the cutest couple and I'm sure their baby will be beautiful. But I am really nervous for her, as she is surrounded by infertiles.

The admin that she sits next to (they both sit right outside my office) has really bad endometriosis. She got pregnant last year after trying for seven years. Her baby was delivered at six months and died less than two weeks after he was born. The other manager who my admin works with has struggled with IF for years...her story has a happy ending. She has a little girl and another baby on the way. Another woman in that department had four miscarriages before she had her baby last year. And finally, there is another admin who sits around the corner who miscarried twins last year. Not to mention my two miscarriages. I am hoping, praying, begging that we as an office can turn the corner here.

It would be so nice if I could get some good news tomorrow and we could be pregnancy buddies. Any other possible scenario is just too hard to even think about.

Anyhoo, in other news, I feel pretty good today. I've had a few symptoms this week, but I that could just be the progesterone doing its thing. More tomorrow....

...and then there were four....

2006-08-27T07:17:00.000-07:00

Of the six fertilized embies, 4 of them were transferred. The other two stalled, so we didn't have any to freeze. So now we wait. I go for bloodwork on Sept. 1 and again on Sept. 5. I should be used to it by now but I hate waiting.

P.S. On the positive side, aren't they just sooo cute?!

The new magic number=6

2006-08-22T13:00:00.000-07:00

The doc just called with my "fertilization report." Seven out of eight eggs were mature. Six of those actually fertilized. Hurray! If all continues to go well, we will do our transfer on Thursday.

Today's Gripe: I have this one friend who just does not get it. For the most part, I have given up talking to her about my situation altogether because she does not really listen and every time we talk about IVF, I have to explain everything again, from the beginning. for. the. 1,000th. time. But she will ask about it every now and then. Which is fine...I really do appreciate the concern. However, she always has some random, vague story about someone she knows who went to this place, clinic, resort and now they are pregnant. She never has any details about where they went and she will ask me, do you know anything about that? Please, fertile world, when you have to give out assvice, because I know it is just killing you to keep it to yourself, have your details in order. Do not call me with a bunch of questions and vague stories about people getting pregnant after spending a week on Mysterious Baby Island. That is all.

Eight is the magic number

2006-08-21T20:55:00.000-07:00

Retrieval Day! Today the doctor was able to aspirate 8 eggs. Everything went pretty good. I feel pretty bloated and a little crampy, but not tooo bad overall. They will call us tomorrow with a fertilization report, so keep us in your prayers.

Will this leave a scar?

2006-08-15T13:17:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went for an ultrasound and IVIg treatment. So far, so good. The ultrasound showed 6 follicles. I was hoping for more, maybe 10 or 12, but I will take whatever I can get. The ivig treatment went fine, but it took forever. I was hooked up to that IV for almost 4 hours. Ugh. If I have to continue doing these treatments I need to see if they can speed up the process, especially since they charge by the HOUR to administer the drug. Sheesh, what a racket. I wonder if my hubby can learn to hook up an IV. He couldn't do much worse than the nurse did...she did something wrong and there was blood everywhere. And now I have what looks like a drug user track mark on my arm. Thankfully, I haven’t had any real side effects yet. I’m a little tired and I have a slight headache, but I think that is a result of my body working so hard to lay these eggs. I go back to the doc on Friday for more blood, more ultrasound, more rip-roaring fun!

Last week, my SIL gave birth to a bouncing baby boy. He is adorable, with a head full of curly black hair. He is quite yellow, just like my hubby’s family. We went to the hospital on Wednesday to see the baby and his parents. It was a good visit. But as you can imagine, I had all kinds of mixed emotions swirling around in my head before during and after our visit. The most dominant emotion I feel right now is desperation. Is that an emotion? I just started thinking about how if this round of IVF does not work, I will really have to start examining whether or not I can keep trying. If it does work, I will be 39 years old when I have my first child. Which means, if we want more, I will be well into my forties when we try again. Then I start to question whether or not this is what I am supposed to be doing with my life. Do I really want to be 45 years old with 3 kids under 5 years old? Or is 40 really the new 30? I don’t have any answers. I just hope this round works.

All's Quiet on the Ovarian Front

2006-08-09T08:15:00.000-07:00

I went for my baseline ultrasound…everything is quiet on the ovarian front. Today is my last day of caffeinated bliss, as I start stimulation tomorrow. I probably should have weaned myself weeks ago, but I am weak, oh so weak when it comes to that buzzy feeling I get from my grande iced chai or my peppermint mocha from Peete’s. YUM! At first I was going to say that caffeine has made me more productive, but that’s a lie. It really just keeps me from taking a nap in my office every day as soon as I arrive at work.

My friend K came through her surgery just fine. She was still a bit out of it from the anesthesia when I talked to her yesterday, but everything went fine. Her papillomas were benign. (yay!)

Auntie Songbird

2006-08-08T08:38:00.000-07:00

I am officially an aunt. My sil gave birth to a bouncing baby boy last night...9.5 pounds. I haven't seen him yet...we will probably go tomorrow after work. I can’t wait to meet him. She ended up having a c section after being in labor for a full day.

My friend K is having surgery today to remove an intraductal papilloma from her bre.ast today. One day she woke up with a leaky boob and now they have to operate. Thankfully, this was discovered early and I am sure she will be fine (in Jesus’ name).

Feelin’ Hot, Hot, HOT

2006-08-02T08:18:00.000-07:00

It was nearly 100 degrees yesterday in Chicago. This heat makes it that much more difficult to take a shot of Lupron every day. Our ac can barely keep up and we have central air! I have been waking up hot and sweaty for about a week now, and it ain’t pretty. Oh well, just another day in the life of this fertility-challenged gal. I finished my last BCP on Sunday, so AF should be here any second. Yesterday, I got my IVIg drugs in the mail. Monday I go for my baseline ultrasound and blood work. The following Monday, I go in for the IVIg infusion. For whatever reason, I think that this treatment will make me sick. I get nauseous just thinking about it. Or is that nausea from the prenatal vitamins? Gaah, who knows.

Happy Hump Day

2006-07-19T12:24:00.000-07:00

I am toying with the idea of looking for a new job and/or going back to school. This is probably the worst possible time to take on any new endeavors, since we will start a new cycle in a few weeks. However, I am wasting away at this job. I need a challenge or something to keep me from wiling away my days alternating between watching Nip/Tuck on my work-issued computer and obsessing about having a baby. Considering how much we will have to come out of pocket for the IVIg, I know this is not the time to be thinking about quitting my job. And I just don’t know if another job would give me the flexibility to go to my numerous doctor appointments, acupuncture, not to mention my lunchtime shopping excursions. So I guess I will start looking into going back to school. Now I just need to figure out what I really want to be when I grow up.

This past weekend I spent some time hanging out with my parents. They are always so happy when I come over, even if it is just to eat all of their food, lounge on the couch and watch their enormous tv. I think they just like having someone there to run interference for their numerous and never-ending “debates.” I get a kick out of how they will each pull me to the side to tell me what the other one did. Anywho, I ended up helping my dad with his iPod. This was a bigger task than it needed to be because he has so much CRAP on his computer that it runs as slow as molasses in the wintertime. There is no room for a single icon on his screen. My dad says he usually turns his computer on first thing in the morning and by the time he showers and shaves, it is usually up and running. This made me laugh for about 10 minutes. My brother and I might need to pool our money to buy him a new computer for his birthday. We ended up driving to the apple store because his hard drive was damaged. Thankfully it was still under warranty, so they gave him a new one. My dad is convinced that most electronic devices have a chip installed that makes them self-destruct just after the warranty expires. My mom thinks companies actually send a signal to selected devices based on how the company is doing financially. “Your iPod will self-destruct in five seconds!” They might be right. Haaa!

I don’t really have much to report from the IF front. I started my birth control pills a few weeks back, and I’ll start the Lupron injections next week. I have been spotting a little this week…not sure what that’s about, but I’ll ask the nurse when I go in for my “training” on Friday. In other health issues, I am still having problems with my eyes. One doctor told me that he thinks I am allergic the particular brand of contacts I’ve been wearing. I went back to my original optometrist and she says I have corneal keratits (again). Gaaah! I’m thinking a nice little zap with a laser will cure all of my vision problems. But I’m pretty sure I can’t get a doctor to do this in the midst of cycling. Oh well.

A Glimmer of Hope

2006-07-10T11:37:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I went to my husband's family reunion in Little Rock, Ark. They have a reunion every three years and it is always a good time...lots of food and fellowship. One of Bernie's cousins went through IVF and she now has a beautiful two year old daughter. And as fate would have it, having one baby must have triggered something for her, because she got pregnant naturally (and very unexpectedly) shortly after having her first baby. So she also has a darling eight-month-old baby girl. I had a lot of fun playing with the girls. Somehow, I think seeing and playing with an actual child conceived via IVF within my own family, knowing that her parents went through a situation similar to mine, and seeing first hand that there are happy endings out there, made me feel more hopeful than I have in a very long time.

Last Thursday we went to sign all the consent forms and whatnot for our next round of IVF. I expect to get my plan in the next few days. The new clinic is extremely organized. They have already given me dates for when I start my stims and when I go in for my first IVIG treatment. We are shooting for a retrieval/transfer around the week of August 21. So far, so good.

Well, I gotta boogie for now. :-)

All Aboard the Baby Train Express....

2006-06-27T09:12:00.000-07:00

My New RE...She's no Dr. Mom
Friday I went for my consult with the RE who specializes in recurrent pregnancy loss. She is an older, grey-haired woman with a bun. She is very grandmotherly except for one thing: she has the longest nails I've ever seen on a doctor. Years ago, I used to get these really long acrylic nails. I mean so long that I had to re-learn how to button my shirt. They were ridiculous. Just like my new doctor's. On the positive side, she does have 10 kids of her own. So she must no something about maintaining a pregnancy, right?

All of the tests that my hubby and I did came back normal. What that means is that either we just have really bad luck, or I have an immune system factor for which they do not have a marker. So our next step is another round of IVF with IvIg as a prophylactic measure. What is IvIg you ask? We will call it the scary bag of fluid. Basically it is an intravenous infusion of human immunoglobin. Basically it is plasma from about 20,000 donors. I guess the treatment has been in use for autoimmune diseases for more than 20 years. They don't know why it works, but it does. One of my coworkers had several unexplained miscarriages and she did ivig. Now she has a bouncing baby boy. (Okay, I don't know if he bounces.)

We are going to give it a shot. I mean what do we have to lose? (Well, besides $3,000 a pop that is NOT covered by insurance. Gaaah!) We are on track for a mid August IVF cycle.

Baby Shower HELL!
Yesterday was the ever-dreaded baby shower for my brother in law and sister in law. (Side note: what is up with the couple baby shower?) You remember, the sil who "accidentally" got pregnant within the first three months of being married? Surprisingly, I actually did okay. (My mom and my hubby were there, just in case I happened to start screaming uncontrollably.) I managed to stay in good spirits, despite being surrounded by extra fertile, extra pregnant 20-something couples. (There were four expectant mothers, one pregnant with twins.) I didn't smash the camera when my oh so sensitive SIL asked me to take pictures of her opening her gifts. I am sure that holding in all of my grief and rage will manifest itself in some weird and unseemly manner...I'll keep you posted.

I hope I don't sound too hateful. I mean, I am really looking forward to the birth of their child. I enjoyed shopping for his gifts. And I can't wait to play with him. But at the same time, I am still struggling with my own grief and fear. I am still trying to reconcile why God is allowing us to be tested in this way. Right now I feel empty spiritually. And yet the message I keep hearing through it all is to have faith. Well, I am trying.

By the way, my sil's parents have a spectacular house. But it is waaaaay out in the boonies. They are ministers at a church in a very depressed neighborhood in the city. I guess they didn't want to risk any drop-in visits from their congregation. My mom had the quote of the day. "I guess pastoring pays really well these days."

Because I don't have enough stress in my life...
We are planning a major remodel of our bathroom, powder room and we are having the upstairs painted. Also, I hired a landscaper. He is trimming our trees and laying sod at this very moment. I have contractors lined up for the inside work, so hopefully they will get started around the middle of July. Wish me luck.

So that's what is up with me. I will try to do better at keeping you all posted.

Lazy Days of Summer

2006-06-16T09:15:00.000-07:00

I am lazy. That is my lame excuse for not posting lately. Work has been okay this week. I hired a summer intern (against my boss's wishes) and a new production assistant. So as soon as I get them up to speed, work will be a piece of cake.

On the IVF front....I go see the recurrant pregnancy loss specialist next Friday. I expect that she will give us the all clear to proceed with our next round and we'll just add a prophylactic dose of IVIG to see if that helps keep me pregnant.

Happy Birthday to Me

2006-06-06T07:12:00.000-07:00

Yes, today is my birthday. I have heard all the jokes.

Work has been so busy that by the end of the day, I have had no interest in even looking at a computer, much less coming up with something intersting to post. We just finished our monster project last night. I swear if I don't get promoted this year, something is just wrong. Anyhoo, I plan to spend today catching up on my blog reading and watching some episodes of Nip Tuck on my company issued computer. I promise to write a real post before the end of the week, 'k?

You Are Grass Green

Down to earth and a bit of a hippie, you are very into nature and the outdoors.
You accept the world and people as they are. You don't try to change things.
You are also very comfortable with yourself, flaws and all.
Optimistic about the future, you feel like life is always getting better.

What Color Green Are You?

Work H-E-L-L!

2006-05-26T12:48:00.000-07:00

I have been so busy at work this week. I don't mind being busy, but I have no tolerance for ridiculous requests.

Yesterday, one of our analysts called to fill me in on a project that he has been working on for the past 18 months. He told me that the company has invested millions of dollars on this project, it is very high profile and will probably get some media attention. He was on the phone with our CEO and they are really excited about the launch of this project. As part of this project, they want my group to produce a 500-page technical document. So far so good....I don't mind a big project. Then we get to the timing of said document. One week. Ridiculous. I need to find a new job before I hurt someone up in here.

I mean, in the entire 18 months that this man was writing this report, I can't understand why it never dawned on him to talk to the head of publishing (me). What a jerk. *hmph*

I love my doctor

2006-05-18T12:54:00.000-07:00

My apologies for all of the technical mumbo jumbo to follow. I just need to write all of this stuff down while it is fresh in my brain.

I went for a consultation with my RE today to talk about our next steps. When I walked in to her office, she said, "I was just telling my colleague how much I love you." She is such a sweet, empathetic little woman. She has been known to give out frequent hugs and the occasional motherly kiss on the cheek. Okay, I don't know if she is this way with all of her patients, but she loves me and my hubby. She reminds me of a petite, white, blonde version of my mother. We'll call her Dr. Mom.

After my last miscarriage, I had a bunch of tests done to determine if there was an immunological factor that caused me to miscarry. 99% of my tests came back within a normal range. The only abnormality is that my CD4 cells (T-cells) were slightly elevated. There is no published research related to elevated T cells and recurrent pregnancy loss. All of the CD4 cell research that she could find was related to hiv and aids. And that research only addresses lower than normal values (not elevated). So all that to say that now I am going to see a RE who specializes in recurring pregnancy loss and the "soft" science of immune system factors. Hopefully, this specialist has information from her years of experience and practice that has yet to be published.

The genetic testing that they did on the tissue from the d&c was somewhat inconclusive.(Basically, they "grow" the tissue in a lab and then test it for genetic abnormalities.) The chromosomal makeup was 46XX. So we had the right number of chromosomes, and it was probably a girl. But there is no way for them to distinguish if my cells were growing or the cells from the embryo were growing. They can only confirm when it is a boy (46XY).

I really appreciate that Dr. Mom knows her limitations. She went over several options with me, reviewed all of my test results, and basically told me that she knows how to get me pregnant, but how to keep me pregnant might be beyond her expertise. And she gave me the name of another doctor at another clinic who has designed an entire program that deals with recurrent pregnancy loss. We talked a bit about the range of emotions related to multiple miscarriages, and she is so in touch with how all this crap breaks you down emotionally. She knows that my heart is still broken. She knows that I will need to be medicated if I have another miscarriage. Some doctors would just forge ahead with another cycle. But she won't until we at least try to understand what is going on with me. Thanks, Dr. Mom.

We also talked about some insurance issues. My insurance company seems to be under the impression that they are not going to pay for my last cycle. I guess they are hoping that if they just reject the charges, that I will just pay the bill. My doc expressed her outrage and encouraged me to file a complaint with the attorney general's office. (I'll save the crapload of insurance issues for another post.) She said that she finds that the fact that the insurance industry is built around trying to not pay claims "vile and offensive." Ha! I love that.

As I was walking out, she said that she can't wait to meet my kids. :)

Get your boogie on

2006-05-17T13:21:00.000-07:00

I think all of us in fertilityland could use a good laugh....so enjoy.

Mother's Day Meltdown

2006-05-16T13:30:00.000-07:00

The signs were everywhere that I should have just stayed in bed on Sunday, Mother's Day. Instead, I decided to follow my normal routine and go to church.

The first sign was that every outfit that I tried on was either too tight or had something else wrong with it. I wanted to look fresh and springy, but the only suit that fit properly was grey and blah. So, I got dressed and headed out to Sunday School. The main street that I take to church was closed for some reason, so I had to go several blocks out of the way, but hey, no biggie, right? Well, I get to church only to discover that the classes are cancelled. And that gives me 2 hours to kill before church. Since I live pretty close (about a 10 minute drive)I decided to go home and wait for my hubby to go back for the actual service. Of course on my way out the door, someone said to me "Oh happy Mother's Da...wait....you AREN'T a mother. Never mind." This person does not know my situation, but DANG, it still hurt my feelings. When I get back to my neighborhood, I was thwarted by a breast cancer walk. The one street that was blocked earlier turned into EVERY street being blocked. GAAH! Every street leading to my house was blocked. I thought about going grocery shopping to kill some time, but I had on high heels. Plus I didn't want to run the risk of having to keep the groceries in my car until after church. So I drove around for a while. thinking. about. being. childless. My two miscarriages. Curses on Hallmark for inventing stupid Mother's Day. Then the floodgates guarding my eyes sprung a leak. Just a little leak. A small sign of things to come.

I managed to get home through the alley. My hubby was getting ready for church. While I'm waiting, I watched an interview of Oprah on BET. She was yammering about her legends ball and how certain women inspired her as a child and she wanted to honor them, and how she hasn't forgotten where she came from blah, blah, blah. So what the heck, I started welling up again. For what, I don't know.

So the hubby is finally ready and we head off to church. I told him about the woman telling me that I am not a mother...he says, are you sure you want to go? We could go to breakfast? I told him no. None of my clothes fit this morning, so a giant stack of blueberry pancakes swimming in butter is not what I need. Lord, I need to learn to listen to my husband.

We get to church and of course, there is a huge Mother's Day Production. "We want to honor all mothers who gave birth to their child, adopted children, foster mothers, mothers who have passed on, mothers who for whatever reason did not raise their children, yada, yada, yada." Flowers, sentimental music, the works. So of course the floodgates busted wide open. I could not stop weeping. openly. For all to see, including my brother in law, his wife and her parents (they are the ministers). So I left. My husband drove me home. Actually, he dropped me off and went to run some errands. Not one bit of comfort. Not a hug. Not an encouraging word. He said, why don't you go in and take a nap. Maybe you'll feel better. Aaaaahhhhhh! (Sidenote: I wish he could take a class on sensitivity. Lately, he has none.)

I was feeling so overwhelmed with grief. Grief over the baby I lost last year and the baby I lost just a few months ago. I was sad that no one in my family knows about our recent loss and my husband does not know how to comfort me. I have yet to see him express any grief. (I know he took the last miscarriage really hard...he told me that he cried, but I never saw it.)

I like to think that I am a strong woman. I am smart, decisive and in control. I can usually pull myself up by my bootstraps when life strikes a painful blow. The past few months, I thought I was making great progress in dealing with all that has happened. I'm working every day, functioning like a regular person. And I have a lot to be thankful for in my life. I am thankful that my mom is alive and kicking, we have a good relationship and I appreciate all that she does in my life. I did my best to honor her on Mother's day with a gift, flowers and I managed to pull myself together to take her and my mother in law to dinner. But man, oh, man, my pain felt fresh on Sunday, like my miscarriage had just happened that day. The tears have stopped. But the sadness has not.

I never imagined....

2006-05-11T13:03:00.000-07:00

...that I would see so many pregnant women in Napa Valley of all places! On Sunday morning we went to the "concierge lounge" for our free continental breakfast and it was like a pregnant ladies convention. I know I'm sensitive about the subject, but dang! I guess they were probably all going to the spa and not on a wine tour. Oh well.

The trip overall was excellent. Friday night we stayed in San Francisco by Fisherman's Wharf. Who knew that the wharf pretty much closes down as soon as it gets dark? We did manage to find an open restaurant in Ghiradelli Square. Our first day in Napa we toured the Chandon winery, and had a delicious dinner. Sunday we went on a wine tour...5 different wineries in a limo with two other couples. Monday we went to the spa, hung out by the pool and had dinner at the Culinary Institute of America. The weather was perfect...80 and sunny every day.

I was so sad to see so many of my IF friends got bad news while I was away. Sunnie and Jenny from the block, you both are in my thoughts and prayers. My heart is heavy today for all of us traveling through this wretched journey.

Corporate Madness

2006-05-01T09:23:00.000-07:00

Even though I am a manager, I can admit that there are some poor managers in the world. I've heard many horror stories. I strive to be a good manager. I care about my staff. In many cases, I am their advocate. I don't micromanage. My door is always open. I want them to succeed. And yet, for some people it is just not enough. Some people are so unhappy in life that they need to direct their frustration at authority. And for one person, the closest authority figure in their lives is little ol' me. I am okay with the fact that everyone is not going to like me. But I don't understand when the hate is completely unwarranted. And in this case it is.

About two weeks ago, one of my staffers had a panic attack at work. I was on my way to the washroom, and I saw her in a co-worker's cube and she was doubled over, hyperventilating and clearly in distress. So I asked her if she wanted me to call an ambulance. She said no. Then I asked her if she wanted me to drive her to the hospital and she said yes. (It's only about 5 minutes away.)She said she was having pain in her chest and it felt like an esophagus spasm. I never heard of that, but okay, whatever. So the three of us went to my car and I drove her to the emergency room. They determined right away that she was not having a heart attack and the nurse told her to calm down. When they came to get her, the doctor told me and the other coworker to come back with her. They did an ekg and a chest x-ray and they came back fine.

I felt like I should have left the room so that she could talk freely. But apparently she had no problem with me being there. So the doctor asked her about her stress level. She told the doctor that she has anxiety every day. Then she proceeded to tell the doctor that her job was very stressful. This was news to me. After the doctor left, she started telling me how she and the other person in her area do not get along, how he has poor work habits and he hogs all the reports, blah, blah, blah. There was nothing in her conversation that struck me as particularly stressful or insurmountable. So I told her that her concerns could definitely be addressed, please don't wait until something is stressing you out before bringing it to my attention, my door is always open etc....

The doctor said she had a panic attack. He offered her some drugs, which she declined. Then she was discharged. She went home and I went back to work. After that, she called in sick every day for the next week and a half. I called to check on her, but she did not call me back. Then she showed up for work yesterday.

I knew she was back, not because she stopped by, but because I could hear her laughing down the hall. So I walked over to say hello. I said hey, I see you're back....how are you feeling? She replied "I feel wonderful." Her tone was sarcastic. I ignored her tone and asked her to stop by my office later.

When she stopped by, I had someone in my office, so she walked away. Then about 30 seconds later, she came back and said "I was trying to wait, but you are taking too long. I just want to tell you that I am resigning!" And then she just walked away. She was rude and agitated. So I went over to her cube and she was getting her coat. She threw her keycard on the desk and said I'm leaving. If you need anything, you can call my cell phone. And then she took her little suitcase and rolled on outta here. Same agitated tone. WHO DOES THIS???

I mean, if you want to quit, feel free. Lord knows I don't plan on staying here forever. But why all the drama? I know that I didn't do anything to her. I have to believe that she is simply out of her mind. Oh well. I hate that kind of excitement. Now I'm worried that she will come after me when I least expect it.

Babytrain update
AF came on Friday. So I will chart this month and if nothing happens, back to the doc for IVF number 4. I am going for a consult on May 17 to get the results of my $1,555 immunology screening.

We are going to Napa Valley this weekend, so maybe I'll get drunk and my hubby will take advantage of me and I'll get knocked up. Here's to keeping hope alive. :-)

Tag, I'm It

2006-04-27T16:00:00.000-07:00

I've been so busy at work and I have some evil virus, so no time for a real post today. But here's six random fact about me brought to you by Sunnie, who roped me into this tagging game:

1. I do not eat leftovers (unless it is something that tastes better after a day or two, like spaghetti or chili). Just the idea turns my stomach.

2. I ran the Chicago Marathon in 1999. After the race I did not run again for almost a year. I gained 25 pounds during that year. Now when I run, it is usually 5 miles or less.

3. I am an iPod/iTunes junkie. I have 3,905 songs on my iPod.

4. I wear ÂfusionÂ hair extentions. I wore braids in college and a jheri curl in high school and my first year of college.

5. I sing classical music and I plan to audition for the Lyric Opera Chorus every year until I get in. I also play the flute and the piano (a little). I own a guitar but I don't know how to play it (yet).

6. I was a lazy student but I managed to score a 30 on my ACT exam.

Now I guess it's my turn to tag someone....but after catching up on everyone's blogs, it looks like we all have been tagged!
So, if you are reading this and you have not been tagged, here are the instructions:

1. Go write 6 random or weird facts/things/etc. about yourself in my comment box and on your blog, then tag six more people! Even if your not tagged, leave at least one interesting fact about yourself.

2. Then leave a comment that says "You are tagged" in their comments telling them to read your blog.

Hopefully I will have a real post tomorrow.

Hopeful or maybe just delusional

2006-04-18T08:42:00.000-07:00

WARNING: TMI ALERT!
In theory, there is no reason that we know of why I should not be able to get pregnant naturally. I have one tube that functions. My uterus has not been compromised by the fibroids. I ovulate regularly. My eggs are fine. My hubby's soldiers are fine. Since our recent miscarriage, I have not really been tracking my cycle--no temperatures, no checking the cervical mucus, no opk's. I've just been waiting for Flo to that we can plan our next round of IVF. But for some reason, yesterday I noticed that I had quite a bit of discharge when I went to the bathroom. So I stuck my finger down there, and to my surprise and delight, egg white quality cm! I was glad to see it, but I really didn't think much about it for the rest of the day.

I went home last night, went for a run, cooked dinner and watched some tv. I dozed off in front of the tv until about 11pm. I went upstairs to go to bed and I remembered the cm, so I decided to do an opk, you know, just for kicks. I mean Lord knows I did not feel like fooling around and in my head, I really did not think the test would show an lh surge. I just wanted to go to sleep. But I'll be doggone...the test showed that last night was the night.

So I went downstairs to ask my hubby if he was up for a trip to the love shack. And he was (no surprise there). Do I even dare hope for a miracle this month? Nothing to do now but wait and see.

Eye Update

2006-04-13T09:07:00.000-07:00

I went to the eye doc yesterday. She said that my eyes are irritated lately because of allergies. So I won’t be going blind today. :-) I also confirmed that I did have keratitis a few months ago. But it probably was not of the fungal variety. I’ll probably still have my hubby send a letter to B&L, just to see what they say. And to be safe, I got new lenses, a new case and a new brand of solution.

Here’s the link to the FDA announcement. (Thanks, UtRus!)
http://www.fda.gov/cdrh/safety/041006-keratitis.html

Looking Busy Today

2006-04-12T08:17:00.000-07:00

My boss is in town today, so I really need to look busy. Ugh. Thankfully, blogging looks like real work to the common observer. And my computer is strategically facing away from the door to my office. And…I’m wearing my glasses, giving me a scholarly, nose-to-the-grindstone kind of look. And my staff is fairly busy, so that should keep them out of trouble. So when Oz walks by, I will look like the model manager, employee and all around hard worker. I swear the corporate dance makes me tired. If I could just get (and stay) knocked up I could blow this popsicle stand.

The good news today is that I got the word on my remaining “equity” options. These are like stock options but for a private company. The company gave me (and other key employees) options as an incentive to stick around after my former company was bought out a few years ago. Now the options are vested, so I can cash them in for a nice chunk of money. This year I am collecting on all of my remaining shares. After that, if I decide to flip my desk over and jump ship, I won’t be leaving any money on the table. Hurray!

If you haven’t figured it out. I am not a fan of my job. But I don’t hate it enough to deal with the stress of starting something new…not yet. I guess from the outside looking in, I am in a pretty good situation. I am a middle manager, my boss is in NY, and he is pretty hands off. I have lots of flexibility to go to my numerous doctor appointments. And my salary is outstanding for my field. My main problem with this job is that I am not being challenged in any way. I am not a type A, driven personality. But I do need some stimulation. I get zero stimulation here.
Luckily, I have hobbies and other stuff to keep me occupied.

My eyes are burning!

2006-04-11T11:15:00.000-07:00

More health woes...a few months ago I had some problems with my eyes...specifically, I could not see, not with my glases or my contacts. My eyes were red and they ached. So I went to the eye doc and she diagnosed me with keratitis. She was a little baffled at how I would get this...it's a fungus that can scratch your cornea and make you go blind if left untreated. But whatever, she prescribed an antibiotic and I was all good. Then last week my eyes started bothering me again. Red, irritated, achey. I ordered some new contacts and made an appointment with the eye doc. Fast forward to today. A friend called me this morning to tell me about this. Good grief.

Bloody Monday

2006-04-10T09:45:00.000-07:00

I am finally feeling more like my normal self. Last week I went for a consultation with my RE to talk about what our next steps will be. She had our test results and thank goodness, we don't have any genetic abnormalities that would predispose us to future miscarriages. Now I just need to get tested for any immunological factors. Depending on how these tests come out, we are planning for another round of IVF and possibly IVIG (my RE calls this the scary bag of liquid) in May or June. Of course we also have to wait for AF, which could take as long as 6 weeks to show up.

So this morning I went to have my blood drawn and I will drop the samples off at this lab across town this afternoon. Have I mentioned that the phlebotomists at my doctor's office irk my very soul? My husband calls them Shenika and Shaquonda. They never seem to quite know what they are doing. Today they scolded me because they supposedly are not supposed to do blood draws for outside labs. I asked if the doctor knew this and that heffa got snippy with me. The nerve! Anyhoo, they ended up doing the blood draw and charging me $20. Of course, neither of them knew how run a credit card, so I had to go get cash. It was all very annoying, but I got what I needed. This entire process has taught me how to be very, very pushy.

The lab is near North Michigan Avenue. I was thinking I would do a little lunchtime retail therapy after I drop off my blood. But then I remembered...the test cost $1555.00. And it is not covered by insurance. D'oh. I plan to file a claim anyway. Maybe the insurance gods will have pity on me and pay up.

Secrets

2006-03-28T12:07:00.000-08:00

I feel like I might be turning the corner in this grieving process. Today is the first day that I have felt this close to my normal self in a while. I really appreciate all of the supportive comments on this blog. It is really good to know that I am not alone out there in my fertility struggles.

Early in the process, my husband and I had decided not to tell our families about this last round of IVF. When we did round 1, I told everyone. I was so excited...all of my friends came to visit me when I was on bed rest. My hopes were really high, and of course I was devastated when we got a BFN. My list of people to call after we got the news was ridiculous, and I cried after each and every call.

The second round, I was a little more cautious. When I got pregnant, we were elated, but still cautious. I told my parents not to tell anyone. Somehow, my mom did not get that memo, and she announced it to her choir at church (the church I went to before I got married). What a mess. I found out because one of the choir members works at my doctor's office. My mom could not bring herself to make the announcement when I miscarried. Imagine the horror of running into someone from the choir months later and having to tell her that I am not pregnant. Also, my brother in law told his wife to be, and she in turn, told her parents. Her parents just happen to be the pastors at our current church. So of course, they both felt the need to add their two cents. Suffice it to say, the number of people who knew grew exponentially out of control.

So this time, we told no one. Well, almost no one. I told three friends, one who went through the same thing (3 miscarriages--she now has a baby boy). But no one in our family. I thought it would be easier for us to keep it a secret until after the first trimester. After things started going south, I did not want them to experience the pain and sadness that I was feeling. I thought it would be easier, but it is not. It is, in fact, very isolating. Every time I see my family, I feel like a pile of crap for keeping this secret from them.

Grief

2006-03-22T07:52:00.000-08:00

My pregnancy is officially over. I went for a d&c on Monday. I decided to have the surgery because waiting for the pregnancy to resolve by itself was killing me. Also, they will run tests on the tissue to find out if a chromosomal abnormality caused the miscarriage. We should get the results of this test and our bloodwork in a couple of weeks. I came back to work yesterday, even though I am still grieving. I just don't think I should lay on the couch for the rest of the week.

Grief is such a powerful emotion. It feels like a heavy weight right in my chest. I feel much sadder this time around and I am really starting to question my faith. I hate to even give life to that statement by writing it down. But I keep waiting for God's infinite wisdom to show up and explain why this happened. Should we continue to try, or are we just banging our heads against a brick wall?

To add insult to injury, one of my husband's best friends just announced this week that he and his wife are expecting. And my brother's wife just told me that her nephew's girlfriend just had her twin babies this week (When he found out she was pregnant, he punched her in the stomach...it's a long and tragic story that I'll save for another time.) And I just got an email today from a friend of mine....a single friend mind you...and she is expecting...and it was definitely an accident. Now I would never wish my situation on anyone. And I know that each of these situations have nothing to do with me. But why do I have to hear about all this just days after the official end of my pregnancy? Is this some kind of cruel joke? I feel like I might lose my mind.

Thanks, Sunnie

2006-03-14T12:45:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to give a quick shout out to Sunnie for showing me love on her blogs. And thanks to all of you for your kind thoughts, support and comments regarding my miscarriage.

TMI Alert!I went back to the doc on Monday and things are definitely declining. It's just a matter of time. It really sucks that it can take several weeks for the actual miscarriage to take place. I have not had any bleeding or cramping yet...my body just does not want to let this go. They want me to come back next week for more bloodwork & another ultrasound. I am still going through a wide range of emotions every day. I really need to take some time off work, but I'm trying to wait until I either start bleeding or until I schedule a d&c. I'd rather not have a d&c because I don't want to risk having any scar tissue that could complicate things later.

For now I am going to focus on healing (physically and emotionally) and some lifestyle changes. I need to lay off the junk food and get back to the gym. And I want to start running again. I know that running goes against what most doctors recommend when you are ttc. But thanks to all of the hormones, I have porked up to 180 lbs and that cannot be good. I know that 10 lbs is due to the hormones, but the rest is pure cake, cookies and ice cream. If I could lose even 5-10 lbs before we do another round I think that would help. I doubt that I have to worry about losing too much body fat right now. I have plenty to spare.

My Love Affair with TV, Part II

2006-03-14T06:59:00.000-08:00

Here are my random thoughts about all the tv I've watched these past few days....

The Sopranos put it down hard in the very first episode. I mean, I think we all know that Tony has to get whacked at some point before the series ends, right? But I don't want him to die right now!! I think they just wanted to create some drama to suck us in, since they've been gone for so long.
****
Big Love looks like it will be interesting. I cannot imagine sharing my husband with another woman, much less two other women! Bill's mother poisoning his dad does not surprise me...I think one day she woke up and realized, "This is some bull-isht!!" Ha! And what's up with the creepy (pedophile) prophet? And his 14-year-old wife? Ick!
*****
I LOVE Grey's Anatomy. And so does my hubby, but he can't figure out why it appeals to him. (hehehe)I am so proud of Shonda Rhimes (Chi-town in the house)!
*****
24 is the most gripping hour of tv. I love this show because they bring it every single week. They don't take these ridiculous breaks like other shows (ahem, Lost). And Jack Bauer knows all the right moves. He's my hero.
*****
ANTM: Some of those girls are just not cute. I'm glad the racist republican girl was sent packing. I mean, didn't she realize that Tyra is black and that Mr. & Miss Jay are gay??? The evil part of me wishes that she stayed just to see her get read by Miss Jay and to see the black girls gang up on her. I am rooting for Nnenna. She looks so regal and she seems to have a lot of class. On a catty note, is it me, or has Tyra porked up a little lately?
*****
New shows on the radar
The New Adventures of Old Christine: Stars Julia Louis-Dreyfuss (Elaine from Seinfeld). She cracks me up...I hope this show makes it.

Sons & Daughters: Hee-larious.

I am hoping for new episodes of Everybody Hates Chris and My Name is Earl soon.
*****
Isaac Hayes has quit the show South Park. Why? Because they made fun of Scientology. See, he's okay with singing about salty balls, making fun of Christians, Jews, any minorities, white people, etc... But don't make fun of L. Ron Hubbard and his main prophet Tom Cruise. The buck stops there.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/entertainment/sns-celebrity-0314hayes,1,1081114.story?coll=chi-entertainmentfront-hed
*****

So I realize this is a whole lot of tv fluff for one sitting. But it's so good when it hits your lips. :-)

I Love Television

2006-03-11T11:11:00.000-08:00

Things may suck right now on the baby train, but at least I still have tv to console me. Tonight is a television extravaganza. Desperate Housewives, Grey's Anatomy, the long-awaited return of the Sopranos, a new show called Big Love and the season finale of Flavor of Love. I need to go get my snacks ready.

Plateau

2006-03-09T13:52:00.000-08:00

Today I went back to the doc for more bloodwork and another ultrasound. My numbers are down slightly and the ultrasound looks exactly the same--no growth. So the pregnancy is definitely declining. It's back to the doctor on Monday.

Praying for a Miracle

2006-03-06T13:34:00.000-08:00

Today I went back to the RE for blood and ultrasound. I got the "good" technician and she could see the endometrial sack and the yolk sack. My beta hcg is still rising but not doubling as it should. The tech last week could not see the yolk sack at all. Of course, last week she couldn't even see my uterus.

So when the nurse called me today, she said that this is very unusual that they could see the yolk sack today. Things are still progressing very slowly, so they want me to come back on Thursday. They don't want me to go back on my meds, but she said I should continue the prenatal vitamin just in case. I told her about my difficulty with the one technician, and she said she would let the doctor know.

I realize the doctor does not want to give me false hope. And I don't know if they would admit to making a mistake. From what I've read, when things progress slowly like this, it usually means miscarriage. But I still believe that God can work a miracle. And that is what I am praying for.

I'm Devastated

2006-03-02T15:14:00.000-08:00

Today my doctor told me that my pregnancy is not progressing. In other words, miscarriage number two. Too sad to write.

Happy Valentine's Day!

2006-02-14T09:24:00.000-08:00

My hubby was very good to me this year...he gave me some diamond earrings. We are going to dinner later, and I'm pretty sure there will be some flowers waiting for me when I get back from lunch. I gave him a leather coat...he was very excited.

However, all of that pales in comparison with the gift that we got yesterday. We found out that I am pregnant! The last two weeks of waiting were sooooo difficult. I had so many symptoms, but I wasn't convinced that it wasn't all in my head. Now I have to resist the urge to go buy a 20 pack of pregnancy tests...you know, just to make sure the doctor is right.

We decided not to tell our families yet...we want to get past the first trimester first. But I think people will start to figure it out before then. I mean, my boobs are HUGE. And my boo-tay seems to be spreading by the second. I just hope and pray for a healthy, happy pregnancy, and a healthy happy baby (or two). :-)

Missing in Action

2006-02-03T10:17:00.000-08:00

I've been MIA or a few weeks....just busy, preoccupied, and I general, I haven't felt motivated to write. So here's my first attempt to try and get back in the swing of things.

Baby Update
We just did an IVF cycle and now we are waiting to do a pregnancy test. I feel very emotional, weepy and tired. Not to mention the nausea. And the constipation. Ugh. My husband made me mad over the weekend, so I'm not really talking to him right now. (It's better if I don't talk, because I might say something I'll regret later.) I forgot how crazy you can feel during the period between the transfer and the pregnancy test. Anyhow, I should be able to take a test next Tuesday.

TV, the Love of My Life
Lots of notable television lately...Grey's Anatomy is one of the best shows on television right now. Sunday after the Super Bowl, my dad was complaining that he did not want to watch that "chick" show. By the end of the episode he added it to his TiVo so he won't miss any future episodes.

I thought the Grammy's were going to be the regular, run-of-the-mill awards show, and for the most part, it was. I enjoyed U2 and Mary J. Mariah was okay, but she really needs to work on her live performances, maybe learn to dance or something. Kanye's fashion (and I use the word loosely) irks me. What was with the leather driving gloves? 1975 wants his clothes back. But, the highlight of the evening was Sly Stone. In summary: He looked like a hot, steaming bowl of deep fried MESS! How did he get his hair to do that? My favorite accessory is definitely the giant Sly belt. A woman on the radio said he looked like a pterodactyl from Jurassic Park. My buddy K said he looked like Stripe from the movie Gremlins.

What's the lesson here? Just say no, people. Just say no.

Speaking of mess...my guilty pleasure lately has been the Flavor of Love. I guess this is VH1's answer to the Bachelor. Flavor Flav is looking for love and entertaining me all at the same time. I hate being this snarky, but this has to be said. Flav looks like a raisin. Do you remember those claymation raisins from back in the day? The California Raisins! Flavor Flav! One and the same! Anyhow, these women are really serious about winning his heart. I guess times are harder than I thought for single women. Or, some girls will do anything to be on tv. The best part is the eliminations at the end of each show. Each girl's picture is laminated on a giant clock necklace, like the clock Flav made famous. If you don't get a clock, you are eliminated. As he hands each girl a clock, Flav says "Girl, you know what time it is." I'm not sure why this cracks me up, but it does.

Chuck D is somewhere hanging his head in shame.

So I'm not very logical.

2006-01-05T07:00:00.000-08:00

Proof that Lupron has affected my brain:

Your IQ Is 115

Your Logical Intelligence is Below Average

Your Verbal Intelligence is Genius

Your Mathematical Intelligence is Exceptional

Your General Knowledge is Exceptional

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

Further proof: Yesterday a woman on my staff didn't show up for work. We called her house. No answer. Cell phone, the same. Today I called her in my office and I said we didn't know you were going to be out yesterday. She promptly reminded me that she told me that she had jury duty. She even gave me the form. It was sitting on my desk. My bad. D'oh!

Happy Holidays!

2005-12-29T12:19:00.000-08:00

Happy holidays! This is my favorite time of year. Food, family, gifts, etc... I made a concerted effort to not wallow in self-pity regarding the baby situation. I know that it will happen in due season. I allowed myself to be sad for about a week, but now I am ready to get right back on the horse. We will do a full IVF cycle in January.

Christmas was great. I got the new iPod video, a digital camera, some cool speakers for my computer, and a host of gift cards, workout gear, etc... We hosted dinner but I didn't wear myself out trying to do everything. And to top things off, the Chicago Bears won, so my hubby and my brother were in a good mood. My bro had the quote of the day. Early in the game the score was tied up and he said "Christmas is RUINED!" hahahaahhaaaa! Even at 30, he is still just a big kid. I took a picture of his sour puss with my new camera...I'll post it later.

I am actually one of the few people working this week. It's really not all that bad...extremely quiet. It almost feels like a vacation at work. I guess I'll work on my resolutions for 2006. More on this tomorrow.

Cracked

2005-12-12T08:08:00.000-08:00

Today I was scheduled to have an embryo transfer. Unfortunately, my doctor called yesterday to cancel because the embryos cracked during the thawing out process. I am sad beyond words today. I decided to come to work because I figured it would probably be really unhealthy to stay in the bed feeling pathetic and pitiful all day. I want to just be able to pull myself together and move on to the next step. But the truth is I just want to curl up in a little ball under my desk. I feel so defective.

It is becoming more and more difficult to watch everyone around my as they start their families. We found out recently that my husband's brother and his wife are pregnant, completely accidental since she was on the pill. Logically, I know that this has nothing to do with me. I just can't believe this is my life...every month new hope and then a big disappointment. I manage to stay upbeat, positive and hopeful most of the time. But today I just feel sad.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2005-11-24T21:39:00.000-08:00

I think I hurt myself today....too much food. I'll be back after I digest it all!

I would be in jail...

2005-11-09T13:35:00.000-08:00

My goodness. If my husband all of a sudden told me he is gay, maaaaaan. All I can say is he’d better tell me in a public place, away from any sharp objects that could be used as a weapon. Terry McMillan and her gay ex had such a weird dynamic on Oprah today. First, she was angry. Then when they brought Jonathan out there, her entire demeanor changed. Clearly, she still “loves” him. And the end of her fantasy with him has devastated her. To add insult to injury, he tried to get her money. I think that is at the root of her anger. Personally, I think he knew he was gay long before he came to this country. He thought he would eventually get his hands on some of her money. Half, to be exact. I love that Oprah asked him if he really thought he was entitled to any of her money. He could not answer. He knew what he was doing all along. And now he’ll need to get a JOB!

Sidenote: Is it me or do Jonathan and Al (Star’s hubby) look like they are related? Just a little?

Today on Oprah

2005-11-09T07:10:00.000-08:00

Terry McMillan and her gay ex-husband...on stage...together. Comments later.

Obsession

2005-11-02T09:09:00.000-08:00

I have been delinquent on posting lately. Too busy obsessing about trying to conceive. **TMI ALERT*** We decided that if I didn't get pregnant in October that we would jump back on the baby train using ART (assisted reproductive technology). We have some frozen embryos from my last IVF cycle. We can do an embryo transfer without having to do too much stimulation (just a little lupron so they can have complete control of my cycle and a bit of estrogen to build up the ol' uterine lining). So, I started spotting on Sunday and AF came on Monday. It was light, but enough to require a pad. I started the bcp on Monday (to keep me from accidentally getting pregnant while I'm on Lupron) and my AF has stopped. Today is Wednesday. SO I only had one day of AF. One. Day. Could I already be pregnant??? Or is the bcp making my body go haywire?? Mind you, I've only taken it for 2 days. I took a home pregnancy test last night...negative. But yesterday was only 13DPO, so it could be a little early. I am going to the doctor tomorrow for labs & ultrasound. In the meantime, the wheels in my head go 'round and 'round, 'round and 'round...

I really hate that this is on my mind so much. Some days I can think of nothing else. I can spend a full day reading the message boards on fertilityfriend.com and trying to glean some secret insight on what my eggs are doing by looking at my chart. Argh.

Odd conversation today with my boss's boss. He is in town today meeting with some groups to talk about new technology. He asked me how was the baby. I had to inform him that I had a miscarriage. It was quite awkward. He said he was sorry and he had such a blank look on his face. I wonder does he think that was why I ws out of the office for six weeks. Did Oz even tell him? I know Oz doesn't really care what happens to me, but damn he could at least get the story straight to upper management. Thank goodness I'm not on the emotional roller coaster today. I could have had a breakdown.

Reading is Fundamental

2005-10-13T13:26:00.000-07:00

Fantasia cannot read. And she talks all about it in her new book. While it is great if her story will inspire some young (or not so young) people to stay in school, learn to read, etc… I just have one question….did she really write this book? I mean, c’mon. I also read that she never worked before

I have no excuse for not writing my book. If she can do it, I know I can. *hmph*

A Reason, Season or a Lifetime

2005-10-07T10:30:00.000-07:00

They say that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I struggle with letting people go, even after I realize that for whatever reason, our time together is winding down. It makes me sad that several people who were in my wedding are not actually lifelong friends like I thought they would be. Friendships are precious. Days like today, I feel like a loser because several of my friendships are not what I thought they would be.

Friend #1—We were roommates in college for three years. She was my matron of honor. I have always considered her to be my best friend, pretty much since college. Imagine my shock to hear her tell someone while we were shopping “…this is for my best friend insert name of someone else, not me …” while I was standing right there. Of course, we are past the age where I could say, “I thought I was your best friend!” without sounding ridiculous and childish. I did not react at all. Over the past few months I’ve heard refer to this person as her best friend on a few more occasions. Each time it cut like a knife. I feel like I put a lot into this friendship over the years and so has she. She has not been neglectful in our friendship. But when it comes down to it in the end, I am a good friend, but not her best friend.

Friend #2—We are coworkers. I sang in her wedding and she was a bridesmaid in mine. She has been my workplace confidant. I told her about my fertility stuff, but when she got pregnant, she didn’t share anything with me. I only found out because her husband called me trying to locate her. She was in NY and she had a miscarriage. Even he thought she would have confided in me. Her explanation “I decided not to tell anyone at work.” Somehow, I thought we were beyond just work buddies. I shared so much with her about the ups and downs of my journey, I just thought she would reciprocate. On top of that, we went to Vegas last year and I ended up sharing a room with her B-school buddy. She got really drunk and vomited all over the room. After all was said and done, she has become better friends with her while distancing herself from me. I managed to give her a shower at work, even while I was going through the worst personal crisis of my life. While she was on maternity leave, she didn’t want me to come over. When I leave this job, I know the friendship will be over.

Friend #3—We used to sing together. Then we started clubbing together. She was my running buddy. Our friendship was fine as long as she was at the center of things. Things started to go south when I first started dating my husband. A few times I invited him to meet us out, bring a friend, let’s all hang out. She made it clear that she was not cool with that. It was all good when we’d go out and she’d see whoever her flavor of the month was and leave me to fend for myself until she was ready to go home. But the minute she realized that I could pull a man or two, she seemed almost jealous. And when I got engaged, she became the flaky friend. Now that I am married, our friendship is on life support. I have to call her 2-3 times before she will return a phone call. Foolishly, I keep trying to keep her around when clearly she does not want to be bothered.

Addiction

2005-09-27T07:37:00.000-07:00

Oprah’s book club is reading “A Million Little Pieces” by James Frey. It’s an account of the author’s struggle with addiction and how he eventually recovered. When I was in my 20s, I dated an addict for 3 years. I didn’t know he used drugs for at least the first year of our relationship and I was too naïve to even see the signs. He was from my church. He told my brother that he wanted to meet me. To this day, my brother feels bad that he had any part in what turned out to be one of the darkest periods of my life.

Once when we had been dating for a short time, I couldn’t get in touch with him for several days. I finally spoke to his mom and she told me he was in the hospital. I proceeded to ask her what was wrong, when would he be home, is he okay, etc… She was really indifferent. She didn’t know when he would be home or even what was wrong with him. In fact, she didn’t even go to see him, her only son. So I just sent flowers and waited to hear from him. He finally called. He told me that he had a seizure, but there was no permanent damage. I asked him what was up with his mom…she didn’t even seem concerned. He just brushed it off and said she’s always trippin’ about something. Later, I heard from someone at church that he was in the hospital because he overdosed. When I confronted him, he denied it of course. Months later, before his first stint in rehab while we were together, he came clean about a lot of things, including the mystery seizure. I should have walked away, but I didn’t. I thought that my love for him could save him. There is so much more to this story, too much for this forum.

I should write a book about my experience. It would make a great movie.

Office Etiquette

2005-09-26T13:00:00.000-07:00

A co-worker of mine has a problem with flatulence. She has dropped bombs in my office on more than one occasion. Back when she was pregnant, I didn’t have the heart to say anything. I really regret not nipping this behavior in the bud, because it continued well after she returned from maternity leave. She farts in a room full of people, in the hall, in the elevator, walking down the street, pretty much whenever the urge hits her. I recognize that gas is a natural bodily function, and I even understand the occasional fart in your own office. And hey, if you are in a room full of strangers, chances are, no one will be able to point out the phantom farter. But it completely OFFENDS me that she would come into my office, funk it up to high heaven, and sit there like nothing has happened. About a month ago, she was standing in my doorway, talking about nothing in particular, and BOOM! She dropped a particularly odiferous bomb. In that moment I decided enough is enough. I looked her in the eye and said, “You FARTED!” She burst into a fit of giggles as she tried to explain that she didn’t think I would smell it, she tried to step back a little, hoping it would not waft into my office. (What about the poor admin who sits outside my office, I guess she didn’t mind letting her suffer.) I proceeded to tell her that when she was knocked up, I let her slide, but NO MORE!

So now she farts in her own office. Today I walked into her office and it smelled like ass. Ugh.

Appraisal HELL

2005-09-23T09:03:00.000-07:00

Appraisal HELL!

It’s that time of year again. What time, you may ask? It’s time for me to start writing performance appraisals for my staff. I really despise appraisal time. If it were up to me, I would give everyone a decent review and substantial pay increases. Everyone would be happy and I would have peace of mind. Unfortunately, in trying to be a decent manager, I am obligated to give everyone an honest assessment of their performance over the year. Honesty is not something people really appreciate. Really, I only have one evaluation in particular that I am dreading. My problem child.

This particular employee started as an administrative assistant. She was hard-working, fairly competent, efficient and in general quite pleasant. So when a more challenging position became available, I encouraged her to apply. I ended up hiring her for the position. I found out that she was only a few hours short of getting her bachelor’s degree. So I encouraged her to enroll at a local college to complete her degree. I always try to encourage my staff to take advantage of company benefits. She did that. In general, she does her job proficiently. She is not a real go getter…she does not go over and above on a regular basis. So last year, I gave her an average evaluation. She does her job in a sufficient manner. Well, she was PISSED. That’s fine…everyone is entitled to their feelings. Lord knows I was pissed when I got passed over for a promotion last year.

Unfortunately, she proceeded to engage in a lot of childish behavior. First she wrote an inflammatory response and basically said that she felt like I had something personal against her. She stopped speaking to me. Every day I would come to work and say “good morning (name withheld).” And she would just scowl or completely ignore me. At one point I gave her an assignment and she basically said she could not do it and she didn’t even want to try. I actually had to take her off site and speak to her about her behavior. It was ridiculous. I mean, what kind of person simply stops speaking to their BOSS?? Wft?

To her credit, she has filled in to some degree since Smokey left. Still, I have made sure that she is not overextended…I always have a temp. The editors and the NY production staff are always available for backup in a pinch. Anyhow, I know if I give her the review that I believe she deserves, all hell is gonna break loose. Argh.

What Kind of Killer are You?

2005-09-20T09:46:00.000-07:00

You are a Samurai.
You are full of honour and value respect. You
are not really the stereotypical hero, but you
do fight for good. Just in your own way. For
you, it is most certainly okay to kill an evil
person, if it is for justice and peace. You
also don't belive in mourning all the time and
think that once you've hit a bad stage in life
you just have to get up again. It's pointless
to concentrate on emotional pain and better to
just get on with everything. You also are a
down to earth type of person and think before
you act. Impulsive people may annoy you
somewhat.

Main weapon: Sword
Quote: "Always do the right thing.
This will gratify some people and astonish the
rest" -Mark Twain
Facial expression: Small smile

What Type of Killer Are You? [cool pictures]
brought to you by Quizilla

Random Happenings...

2005-09-07T13:23:00.000-07:00

Last night my friend D called me to tell me about a chance encounter she had with someone I dated before I met my hubby.

E was never my boyfriend, per se. For the first year after we met, we were friends. We hung out occasionally. Sometimes we didn't see each other for a long time. It was all good. Then one day, out of the blue, he kissed me. It was very unexpected. Afterwards, I was completely smitten with him. And then I didn't see or hear from him for five months.

Our relationship was more of a fling. We only actually went out a few times. We would hook up after the clubs on a semi-regular basis. For a while he lived on the West side (about 10 minutes from my folks) and he would invite me over under the pretense of watching a movie. We'd always end up making out. We never really defined our relationship, I'm sure he had other women. He seemed just a little out of my reach. I was never quite myself around him. He was bogus at the end of our fling. Things ended soon after I asked him where things were going (if anywhere) with us. He told me that he wanted to work towards us moving to another level. He said he wanted to be with me. The day after this conversation he sent me an email to say that he was wrong and that he wasn't ready. But that he hoped we could still be friends. Unfortunately, I have a strict policy against trying to be friends with any ex. So that was the end of our relationship.

Anyhoo, D was out at a club on Sunday night and she saw E. He immediately asked her who she was with. When he saw that I was not there, she said he looked pretty disappointed. Then he asked her about my whereabouts. That is crazy to me. It has been more than 5 years since we were together. On one hand, it is a nice ego stroke to know that he knows on some level that he let go of a good thing. But it is very sad to know that he is still out there in the clubs doing the same things and looking for different results.

******************************************************

Some random things I saw today.....
* A woman was attempting to cover her little boy as he relieved himself in front of Sears on State Street. In broad daylight. During lunch hour. Sheesh, there's a public bathroom inside.

* An elderly woman was wearing a plastic Wendy's bag (the one they use for salads) as a hat. I would have given her a waiver if it had been raining.

The Short End of the Stick

2005-09-01T11:09:00.000-07:00

I have an odd situation at work. My company went through a merger about three years ago. Prior to the merger, I was in charge of all research and media relations. After the merger, my responsibilities were diminished. Now I am in charge of research from the Chicago office. But one person on my staff still does some media stuff….at the time of the merger it made sense because the analytical staff here still needed a local point of contact for media stuff. So, fast forward to present day. The media girl still reports to me. I write her evaluations and she is still part of my staff. But for all intents and purposes, I have nothing to do with media. The person in charge of media is in NY. He rarely communicates with her and he never contributes to her evaluation, no matter how far in advance I request his input.

Last year, I recommended her for a promotion and was turned down flat. My boss even lied to me and said that the media guy had given him some negative feedback about her. (I later discovered that he lied. LIAR!) Meanwhile, we have seen several of her NY counterparts work their way through the ranks in less than a year. Now the girl on my staff is mad. She wants to do research (not media). I don’t blame her. I want to move her to the research team. But that would mean the NY media people will have to let her go. I made the same request last year and I was shot down without any reasonable explanation. I will ask again this year, but I am not looking forward to it.

The bottom line is that the management in NY (looks out for the NY team ahead of the Chicago team. They can move up just for showing up every day, but we have to jump through all kinds of hoops just to even be considered for a promotion.

I Love Chocolate and other random thoughts

2005-08-30T14:23:00.000-07:00

Today I took one of my co-workers out to lunch for her birthday. We had salads for lunch. For dessert we went to Ethel’s Chocolate Lounge. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm. I have just two words: dee-lish. We had the chocolate fondue with strawberries, bananas, graham crackers, butter cookies and marshmallows. It took everything in me not to lick the bowl when we were done. *smacks lips in utter delight*

In other news….
We have had some major issues with our bank recently. Someone managed to get my hubby’s info for his business account and created some fake checks. The pilferer then wrote three checks to herself and somehow forged my hubby’s signature. (If you saw his signature, you’d know what an amazing feat that was!) When all was said and done, the thief made off with $14,000. Thankfully, BB is anal when it comes to our money. He discovered the discrepancy on the same day that the theft occurred.

Needless to say, we have since closed our accounts and reopened them (at the same bank). The bank replaced the money pretty quickly. However, we are in search of a new bank, if only for the simple fact that we don’t have a lot of activity on that particular account and we can’t understand how they allowed this to happen. When BB’s one employee would present a check from that account to the bank, they almost always called to verify that he had, in fact, written said check. And now all of a sudden, they allow three checks to be cashed in one day, for more money that he ever spends from that account??? WTF?! To add insult to injury, there were typos in the fake check.

Just to be safe, I am pulling our credit reports and filing security alerts with the major credit bureaus. What a pain in the boo-tay.

****
ATTENTION Homeless men and the creepy security guard at my office: I am off the market and I have been for quite some time.

Why am I making this announcement? I’ll tell you why. Let’s start with the homeless men that hang out all up and down Wabash (downtown Chicago). I empathize with the plight of homeless people. I buy the occasional Streetwise. Every now and then I will even give them some money. But what I don’t appreciate is when I give money to a homeless man and he proceeds to ask me for my phone number. This forces me to be mean. I don’t mean to cringe in complete disgust. It’s just a reflex. Don’t take it personally. I am out of your league. And most importantly, I am married.

And to the creepytopia security guard: Please stop trying to guess my first name. I hate that you even know my last name. Again, I am married. Happily. (Thanks to post 9-11 heightened security, we have to swipe our key cards when we enter the building and our first initial and last name pops up on the security screen.) Our relationship is and will always be strictly hi and bye. I will not have lunch with you. Period.

The baby train goes round and round…
I am growing weary of having the whole baby/fertility thing on my mind all the time. I have started charting my bbt and my cervical mucus and position now that I should be able to get pregnant naturally. So every day before I roll out of bed, I have to stick a thermometer in my mouth and record my temp. This forces me to think about fertility first thing in the morning. According to one book, I should be checking my cm three times a day. Ugh. And the whole checking of the cervical position! Not fun. I mean I am all for self-discovery, and I am fascinated and amazed at how the human body works. But some days I just don’t feel like being that much “in touch” with myself.

2005-08-25T06:56:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about what will happen with my job once I have a baby. I like the idea of being a stay-at-home mom in some ways...no worries about sub par daycare. The cost of daycare alone is enough to make me want to stay home. I am always telling my stay-at-home friends that I would love to switch places with them...spend my days going to the park, the pool, the mall etc...

But there is a part of me that wonders what life would be like if I stopped working. I have had a job since I was 16 years old. Will I miss the adult interaction? Will I become one of those women who only talks about her children? Is my identity really tied up in this job? Working gives me a sense of independence. I don't want to have less say so in our financial matters just because I am not working. Oh well, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

*****

FYI, I found a dress. It's cute. But not as cute as my other dress. (hmph)

*****

On the kind of creepy, extremely weird and totally unrelated tip...
http://www.thedogisland.com/index.html

2005-08-23T13:25:00.000-07:00

I have been making a conscious effort not to post about a close member of the family and his pending nuptials. But I can no longer hold my tongue. The future spouse of said family member has complained that she does not feel welcome in the family. This, coming from a person who can never seem to find the time to attend a single holiday dinner at our house (at least not in the past 3 years since I married into the family). I won't get into all the details, but suffice it to say I have reached out to her on several occasions and it has not been reciprocated. So I refuse to feel bad.

Anyhoo, yesterday they called me to ask if I would do a scripture reading for the wedding. Did I mention that the wedding is next weekend? I already bought my dress (it is very cute and a little sexy...but not too sexy for church). I was looking forward to relaxing in the audience. But a reading should be easy. No biggie, right? WRONG! They want me to wear the colors of the wedding. Which means I have to get a new dress. UGH!

Normally, I would not mind having a ready-made excuse to go shopping. But I feel like I was an afterthought in the whole process. I mean the bride to be does not work. She had ample time to figure out who she wanted in the program. I really hope they don't think they are doing me a favor by "including" me all of a sudden. I don't mind helping out in a pinch, but I am annoyed that even when I told the wedding coordinator that I already bought a dress, she really was not trying to hear it. Her suggestion was that I change clothes after the ceremony if I really wanted to wear my new dress. Well, I don't wanna!

Long story short, now I have just a few days to find another dress. I tried on about 22 dresses at lunch today. They were all either too sexy, too frumpy, too sparkly etc...so the quest continues.

Be Careful

2005-08-21T11:19:00.000-07:00

My husband has a friend who does not believe in bank accounts. He keeps all of his money in cash in a safe. Every month when it is time to pay bills, he will take the necessary cash to the currency exchange and get money orders to pay his bills. He just does not trust the bank. While I have no intention of keeping our money in the house, I no longer trust the bank either. Some lowlife (probably a former client)forged 3 checks and helped themselves to a large chunk of my hubby's business account. Luckily, BB is quite anal about the money and he caught the fraudulent transactions on the same day that they took place. The bank has restored the funds and hopefully they will catch the culprit(s).

Even though the money was returned to the account in less than a week, we will be moving our money. It turns out that the transactions were completed at three different branches and apparently not one of them required an ID. The bank used to call us when BB's associate would present her check to be cashed, just to make sure that he did in fact write the check. Her checks were usually around $1,000. So it baffles me that someone could present a check for more than $4,000 and no one called the house to verify anything. Smells like an inside job to me.

Back to work.

2005-08-13T21:06:00.000-07:00

My hiatus is just about over. I go back to work on Monday. In some ways it is good. I'll get back to writing regularly. But overall, it makes me very sad.

Bored.

2005-07-12T13:57:00.000-07:00

My surgery went well...no complications. They removed 3 fibroids and my doc thinks that my chances for conceiving naturally look really good. That would be amazing. Anyhoo, right now, I am at home recovering for 6 weeks. I always thought it would be really cool to have that much time off work. I could sleep, write cook, organize my house, read, etc... But now that I'm actually off, I'm pretty bored. The doc told me to take it easy, so I really can't do all the things that I want to do around the house. I can't even drive yet. (hmph!) Hopefully, the doc will say it's okay to drive tomorrow.

My hubby just got back from south beach yesterday. He gave his brother a huge bachelor party weekend extravaganza. I have been sworn to secrecy, so I cannot write about my brother in law's antics in detail. But I will say the things you do in the dark always (eventually) come to light. And I would hate to be around to see the fallout.

Going under the knife

2005-06-29T13:56:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I am having a myomectomy (fibroid surgery). I will be in the hospital for 2-3 days and then I’ll be at home for 6 weeks recovering. I must say that well wishes and prayer can come from the most unexpected places. God is truly amazing. He has allowed me to hear from so many people just when I needed it.

Married!

2005-06-27T13:55:00.000-07:00

Well, my brother’s wedding went of without a hitch, pretty much. The ceremony was beautiful. I even welled up a little even though I am NOT a crier. At the rehearsal I discovered that my brother included a very unflattering picture of me in the slide show presentation that was part of the ceremony. (My awkward years lasted from age 8 until I was 25.) While I recognize that I am very sensitive and emotional these days (thanks to Lupron) I was horrified…I wanted to run out of the sanctuary. I was just not in the mood to be the butt of the joke. But I sucked it up because it was my brother’s wedding and I wanted it to be perfect for him. But here is a message to my brother: There will be payback.

Back in Action

2005-06-22T13:54:00.000-07:00

I’m back in action…well, sort of. Today is actually my last day at work this week. I’m taking Thursday & Friday for my brother’s wedding. Then next week, I’m only working Monday thru Wednesday and I’m having my fibroid surgery next Thursday. Then I will be out of the office for six weeks. Is it wrong that I am really looking forward to my time off?

I can’t believe that my baby brother is getting married day after tomorrow. I am officially a grown up now (at age 37).

Tuesday is Choose Day!

2005-06-21T11:54:00.000-07:00

lose the tips of your fingers in a car accident OR your nose? Definitely the nose...assuming one of the doctors on Dr. 90210 can hook me up with a new and improved version.

have to bring a tank of oxygen with you everywhere you go OR only be able to go out when the sun is down? The night time is the right time!

eat a bowl full of raw oysters OR a small plate of haggis? I LOVE oysters. Much better than stomach and heart of lamb. bleech!

wake up and find your two front teeth have doubled in size OR your fingers have doubled in length? I'll pass on the freakishly long fingers. Big teeth can be corrected. Or at the very least, I can get a job playing Bugs Bunny at an amusement park.

Bahama Mama

2005-06-19T20:13:00.000-07:00

We just got back from the Bahamas. It was wonderful. I promise to write a real post tomorrow when I'm back on the plantation.

I'm Sorry BB!

2005-06-06T07:11:00.000-07:00

So the other day my hubby was reading my blog and he saw an entry about his feet. I'm sure he knows it was all in jest, but in case he doesn't, let me say I'm sorry BB! I was having to much fun. :-)

Random Ramblings

2005-05-25T13:48:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Oz was in town. We had a quick meeting to catch up. During this meeting I confirmed that he did in fact, get my e-mail about my miscarriage. He just didn't respond. Just as I thought. What a turkey. All this time, I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. argh!

***

Next weekend I am hosting a wedding shower for my future sister-in-law. Her sister wants to hire a stripper to come to my house. I said okay. I hope I don't regret this later. I think I already regret it.

***
I discovered one of my staffers has a web site. He uses it to promote his music (he has a CD out) and whatever else he is working on. I wonder if any of my staffers have discovered my blog. If ever approached, I will deny everything!

***
Speaking of CDs, Common just released his new CD, titled Be. It is HOT. I am not a big hip hop/rap fan. But every now and then, an artist transcends labels and stereotypes and just produces good music. Props to Common...Chi-town in da house!

Issues of Faith and Religion

2005-05-20T12:59:00.000-07:00

When I was a child, faith and religion were simple and uncomplicated. We didn’t always go to church, but I always went to Christian schools. I was taught about the gospel of Jesus Christ and I believed.

As an adult, I still believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ. I was baptized at age 22 and I joined a Baptist church in my neighborhood. After I got married and moved to the other side of town, my husband and I agreed that we would look for a church nearby. Neither of us wanted to attend his church and my church was about 45 minutes away (with no traffic). We found a church that we both liked, but lately I have begun to question the church’s philosophy and focus. We attend a “prosperity” church. Essentially, the church’s main focus is to teach its members how to be prosperous (especially financially) here on earth, in this life. I struggle with the focus of this ministry.

Now, don’t misunderstand me. I understand the importance of having the right relationship with money. The Bible speaks about money a lot. But I have a problem with every message coming down to money. And I especially have a problem with being asked to show my love for the pastor by giving him a personal offering every month. I think the pastor should be taken care of. But I don’t think the pastor should have 2 Mercedes-Benz's in his garage while the majority of his congregation can’t afford to move out of the ghetto. Lately the message seems to be focused on “giving so that you can get your blessing”. I don’t think we should be giving just to get something in return. I give because I love the Lord. If I never become rich or a superstar singer or move into a huge mansion, I will continue to give. Because He loved me first. The size of my blessing is not dependent on me making the pastor’s family rich. My blessings are determined by my relationship with the Almighty. I know that He will always provide for me. He always has taken care of me.

A Real Man

2005-05-17T08:29:00.000-07:00

This morning am1390 (the local Christian radio station) gave me a really good giggle. The show is hosted by Angela Martin and Pastor John Hannah. Pastor Hannah is crazy. Period. For the past few days he has been offering commentary on metrosexuals (men who are a little too much into their appearance). His take is that these so-called metrosexual men are not real men. Today he gave his list of attributes for a real man. Here are the top three:

1. A real man leaves stuff on the floor—clothing, socks and especially underwear. My hubby likes for his entire shoe collection (including socks) to live by the back door. And this is progress, as his shoes used to live all over the house.

2. A real man will leave the occasional toenail in the bed or on the floor. Okay--my hubby has feet like a hobbit. As my brother so eloquently put it, "Your feet look dead!!" His toenails could be classified as dangerous weapons. Yes, he has the feet of a real man, Pastor Hannah.

3. A real man leaves a trail of crumbs wherever he goes. To his credit, he makes enough money for us to have a cleaning service because I cannot always be on crumb patrol.

Somehow Pastor Hannah has been inside my house, and he has observed my husband. Despite my BB's metrosexual tendencies (he LOVES shoes, and he does own a pink shirt), I’m glad to know he is a real man. Thanks Pastor Hannah, for that blessed assurance.

Happy Mother’s Day or My Quest to Find the Perfect Church

2005-05-09T10:06:00.000-07:00

I am reluctant to write this post, but I am so irritated right now. The full background is a story for another day. Here’s the semi-short version…

My brother in law is getting married in a few months to the daughter of the ministers (a husband and wife tag team) at the church we attend. Joining this church is a decision I have come to regret for a number of reasons that I won’t go into today. When we joined this church, we overlooked the fact that they have a very money-focused ministry. My husband and I started tithing this year, so giving is not an issue for us.

Yesterday, we took all of our mothers out to dinner. There were 12 people: my brother and his fiancé, my parents, my mother in law, my brother in law and his fiancé, her sister and the ministers. Lovely occasion, right? I thought so until I spoke to my hubby.

Apparently, when the bill came, the man of God (who wears $1,000 hats, drives a Benz and sports his bling bling on the regular) indicated to my brother in law that he was not contributing to the appetizers because they did not order all those appetizers. Now, mind you, the waitress asked us did we want her to do an appetizer platter that would be enough for the table. I guess the cat had their tongue because no one really said anything. She asked a second time and I said yes. I knew my folks wanted a couple of appetizers, BB and I wanted some and so did others at the table.

When she brought the appetizers out, the good reverend had some spinach dip and chips. But he stopped himself from partaking in the other appetizers and he said “let me stop because I don’t want anyone to think that I am paying for this.” (As though we would expect him to foot the bill.) When the bill came, he told my brother in law that they did not eat any appetizers so he wasn’t going to split that part of the bill. My brother in law, not wanting to make a big deal about it, just paid the difference. Then he called my hubby this morning to tell him what went down.

Here are my issues:
1. Why didn’t they speak up when the waitress asked? If they did not want appetizers, they should have said so.

2. If they did not want to just split the bill, why didn’t they ask for separate checks at the beginning of the meal? I completely understand only paying for what you and your family ate. But as a courtesy for those of us who are used to just splitting the bill, let us know on the front end. (I know, we are the exception and not the norm amongst our people.)

3. THEY chose that particular restaurant. It was a little pricey. Next time, choose a restaurant that is more moderately priced.

4. The real problem is that the ministers’ adult children do not work (one is in school, so she gets a waiver…the other is my future sister in law — her story—another day), so they could not afford to pay for their parent’s meal. So instead of making it clear how it would go down at the beginning of the meal, my future sister in law had her underwear in a bunch after we went our separate ways.

I recognize that there are 2 types of diners: Those who split the bill and those who will figure out exactly what they ate and pay for only that amount. Next time we will get separate checks.

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

2005-05-05T06:59:00.000-07:00

This post has nothing to do with Cinco De Mayo...
Today Oprah is talking candidly to seven men who have cheated on their wives. One of the cheaters claimed that he never actually had sex with the other woman. He was crying and Oprah asked him why. He started saying something about how much he loves his wife. I’ve never heard Oprah cuss before. But she said to him all those tears don’t mean a DAMN thing if he can’t tell the truth.

The cheaters agreed that most men cheat on their wives. (Nooooooooo!)

All of the wives except one appeared on the show and they were holding their husbands hands.

Most of the men did not seem genuinely remorseful. Many of them did not take any responsibility for and of the issues in their marriages. In fact, it seemed easier for them to cheat rather than make a genuine effort to communicate their needs to their wives. That’s just lazy and selfish. Watching these men made me feel a little sad. But mostly I feel OUTRAGED! The truth is many mothers (and wives for that matter) have 2 full time jobs—one outside the home and another taking care of nearly everything inside the home. Would it be too much to ask these lazy, self-centered slackers to put their egos aside every now and then and cater to the woman’s needs in order to bring the spark back into their relationship?

Men, let me clue you in on a little secret: A lot of us women are willing to meet you more than half way in keeping the sparks going if you help a little around the house. After working all day, coming home to cook, clean, do laundry all while trying to give the kids some attention before bath and bed time, many times collapsing in the bed is about all we can muster. Personally, if BB takes care of dinner, cleans the kitchen and remembers to Windex the glass table without me having to ask, mmmm that is sexy.

National Scrapbook Day

2005-05-04T10:40:00.000-07:00

Here’s my dilemma: I got involved with scrapbooking a few years ago. I thought it would be a fun way to archive all the pictures I’ve accumulated over the years. My friend M told me about Creative Memories, I liked the products and thus began yet another hobby that I don’t have quite enough time to do. Anyhoo, I started going to some of the workshops. They were fun. I got to be creative and drink margaritas. This was cool especially since M and I rarely get to hang out without the kids .After a while I began to notice that the typical profile of a scrapper was middle-aged white woman with 2-4 children under age 14. And 95% of their pictures were of their children. And a lot of the conversation revolved around little Timmy’s latest antics. This didn’t really bother me until I started the bumpy ride on the baby train.

This Friday is National Scrapbook Day. Mommies from all over Chicago will round up all their latest photos along with a new batch of cute kid stories and congregate in the local church, gymnasium or some other space large enough to fit 30 large round tables. They will work on their baby album, first day of school album, Disneyworld album, etc… I just don’t know if I am up for 6 hours of absorbing the memories of other peoples’ kids.

Fertility issues can bring up such a mixed bag of emotions. I feel selfish for not wanting to be bothered. It seems like I should be able to stop thinking about my situation for a little while. I feel guilty for having a secret grudge against all of my friends who have children. Logically, I know that this is just ridiculous. I’m still bitter with one friend because I shared my story with her and she did not reciprocate. I need to get over this.

Feeling like myself again

2005-05-03T13:47:00.000-07:00

This weekend I actually felt like myself again for the first time in months. I didn’t feel the urge to stay in bed all day on Saturday. I was actually somewhat productive around the house. I cooked on Saturday and Sunday. (BB was so very happy!) Sunday we went to church. Afterwards, I cooked and then I went to help my brother’s fiancée stuff envelopes for their wedding.

If my burst of energy continues, I will go for a run after work today. This will be my first outdoor run of the season. I’ve been putting it off because the weather has been quite chilly…ideal running weather, right? Well, I hate being cold. Even though I know that I will warm up after about five minutes, the prospect even that short amount of cold has kept me indoors. But I have to start sucking it up if I am going to run in the Ridge Run at the end of the month.

Worried: The woman who sits outside of my office was out Friday and today. I hope everything is okay with her and the baby.

In the news…
So what is up with the runaway bride? On one hand, I can understand getting cold feet. I can even understand calling it off at the last minute. But why lie about being abducted? And of course one of the abductors is a minority. Wtf? Why???
[edit] Believe it or not, this cat still wants to marry the runaway bride...go figure!

Inappropriate Office Behavior: Our office manager (we’ll call him the Mayor)is a really nice guy but a bit of a space cadet. Today we had a senior manager meeting. The woman who manages all the admins and the reception area was talking about how the person who usually covers the early morning shift would not be able to do it for a while. She wanted to commend the admins who volunteered to cover this shift until the regular person is able to resume her duties. So someone asked when that would be. Then the Mayor decides to give us the details of why she can’t cover the desk…a bunch of personal stuff that was really none of our business. (It was nothing really bad, just personal.) I guess part way through the explanation he realized that he was saying too much. He had this crazy look on his face. I think it was really wrong for him to put this employee’s business out there in a meeting like that. Geez, what a blabber mouth.

Overwhelmed

2005-04-26T12:04:00.000-07:00

Today the administrative assistant who sits outside my office announced that she is pregnant. She had been trying for 7 years. So here’s the crazy part. She was talking about how long they had been trying and how she had the doctor call her husband because she just could not take the roller coaster of it all. Suddenly my eyes welled up with tears. I felt such a rush of mixed emotions. I’m so happy for her…who knew that the person sitting right outside my door has been going through the same things I’ve been through. (I don’t know her very well. We only became “neighbors” a few months ago.) Seeing someone else report a successful IVF cycle makes me very hopeful. I also found out that two other women in the office are pregnant. They are all due around the same time that I would have been due. Anyhow, while she was talking, I had to go get some tissue to keep from bursting into tears. I told her that I can relate to what she’s been through.

I still feel a bit weepy. I really didn’t think that my feelings about my miscarriage were still so close to the surface. I mean, I am able to function for the most part. But I do still wonder why. Why did I not only lose my baby, but I am surrounded by women who will give birth around the same time I would have.