Another Day in the Chi...

I'm over here...

2007-12-23T23:24:00.000-08:00

http://simonesstory.wordpress.com/

I am struggling to journal about my baby because much of my time is spent at the hospital. But I will try to keep you all up to date on her progress.

A New Phase in My Life

2007-11-24T21:44:00.000-08:00

I know...I'm a terrible blogger. But with good reason. My baby surprised us all by making her appearance more than three months early...I was 23 weeks plus 2 day pregnant. I gave birth to a baby girl on November 19. She weighs 1lb 2 ounces and she is 11 inches long. She is very small, but she is a fighter. I probably won't be writing much here anymore, but I may start a new blog focusing on life as a mom of a preemie...

Everyone Stinks!

2007-08-08T12:48:00.000-07:00

Warning: This is a whiney, complaint-ridden post. I know it is written in the IF rulebook that once you get pregnant, you are supposed to ride a happy cloud all the way to the delivery room, but I am working to change that rule!

Have you ever seen this nose spray commercial where the guy's entire head is just one giant nose? Well, that's how I feel. I can smell everything. And everything smells bad. That, coupled with the nausea which has kicked in full swing, makes me want to just stay in the house. Or better yet, in the bed with the covers pulled up over my super-smelling snout. I mean when I step outside of my office building, I can smell every restaurant within a five block radius. I smell the garbage, the smoke, exhaust fumes from the buses and the funk that emanates from every homeless person I walk past. Of course, it doesn't help that it is 100 degress outside with 99% humidity.

Honestly though, I wouldn't mind the smells if it didn't make me want to puke. Amazingly, I have only tossed my cookies once so far. But I feel like I could do it again all the time. The only time I'm not nauseous is when I'm sleeping. If only I had a couch in my office. sigh.

I am glad to report that all is well as far as I know. I did not get an U/S this week because my doctor fell and broke her arm. But my labs are fine.

Seven weeks, four days...

2007-08-01T11:39:00.000-07:00

...and all is well on the baby front. The bb measured in at eight weeks during today's U/S and the heartrate is at 146. I did an IvIg/intralipid infusion on Friday, so hopefully that will keep these NK cells in check. These next few weeks are critical as this was about the time things went south before.

As far as symptoms go, I am nauseous all the time and my bo.obs are ENORMOUS. I have also had a headache off and on for the past few days. Overall, I seem to do better when I am able to get plenty of sleep. This involves taking a two hour nap after work and then going to bed by 10:30. Today I got to sleep in a little and it was luscious. I just pray that things continue to go well.

I Confess...

2007-07-20T13:00:00.000-07:00

I have just been too durn lazy to update my blog. Work has been fairly busy and after work all I want to do is sleep. All is well with my pregnancy so far. I am six weeks today. My main symptoms are extreme fatigue, extreme hunger and extremely oily skin. I am starting to experience a bit of nausea, but generally it only happens when I'm not eating enough.

The craziest thing is that my weight has shifted already. I realize most of it has to be bloat because the baby is only a dot right now. But I am already wearing my belly band with some of my pants because they are too tight to button. I feel like a balloon.

The next six weeks will be crucial as this is about the time things have gone south in my previous pregnancies. However, I don't want to dwell on that...just happy thoughts.

Hello?? Hello??? Is this thing on??????

2007-07-06T09:42:00.000-07:00

I know it's been waay too long. And I could give you a whole litany of excuses on why I haven't been blogging. But the truth is, I just got tired of writing about infertility. And work has been kicking my bee-hind. And it's summer and I'd rather spend my free time frolicking in the sun. I know, blah, blah, BLAHHHHH!

You may wonder what brought me back to the world of blogging? Well I have news! And the news is that I am pregnant!! It is still quite early (too early to see anything of significance on the ultrasound) but so far, so good. I am happy that we have made it over this hurdle and I am trying really hard this time to just take it one day at a time. Yesterday I did a round of IvIg and intralipid and right now, all of my numbers look good.

That is all for now. I'll check in with you all next week. :-)

Hasta La Vista!

2007-05-08T12:44:00.000-07:00

So I have been promising to update soon...and I will...as soon as I get back from Mexico! The hubs and I are taking a much-needed vacation down to the baja peninsula. Hopefully, when I return my computer will be repaired and I will be rested and inspired to write something besides another bitch-fest about my fertility issues.

Just an fyi...we will be doing a fresh IVF cycle in June. This is our sixth cycle and there is no more insurance. And I am turning 39 next month. No pressure there, right? So yeah, I need a va-cay. I plan to lie on the beach and drink heavily...well not really since tequila and metformin don't mix. Maybe I'll take a vacation from the metformin too cuz I really could use a drink. I know it's not what Jesus would do, but hopefully he understands. :-)

I'll Be Back

2007-04-26T18:18:00.000-07:00

Sorry I have been away for so long. There has been some craziness at work (they actualy want me to do work, and lots of it!) and my home computer has been on the blink (do any of you Mac users know how to resolve kernel panics???) Just an fyi, we are on track for cycle number 6 in June. I'll write a real post soon and we can catch up...k?

Thank you all

2007-03-01T13:06:00.000-08:00

I am always overwhelmed by the outpouring (is that a word?) of concern and support that I get from the IF community on the internet. Thanks to each of you for your comments. It means a lot to know that I am not alone.

I had the d&c yesterday. I'm back at work today. I just didn't see the point of sitting at home alone with all the time in the world to wallow in self-pity. I can wallow just as easily at work, thereby saving my sick days for when it is 85 and sunny out and I get my annual case of spring/summer fever. Anyhoo, we will have a report from the genetics lab in 4-6 weeks. So until then we will take a much needed break from the high tech ART world. I want to take a vacation and I am seriously considering a career change. Really, I just want to spend some time focusing on me. I want to feel good about myself again.

Surprisingly, I'm not very weepy today. I'm probably still in shock. If I'm lucky, I can time my pending breakdown for this weekend, safely tucked away in the comfort of my own home.

I thought I would find some comfort in my return to the morning iced soy chai latte from Sta.rbucks. But it just gave me the shakes. Evil caffeine jitters. It's just as well since I really plan to use this time off to lose some weight and adapt a healthier lifestyle. Since I've been off the caffeine for so long, I shouldn't even indulge in that addiction, right? Right.

Crapped Out...Again

2007-02-27T11:45:00.000-08:00

Today's u/s showed no heartbeat and the sack seems to have collapsed. They will call me later today to schedule a D&C. Once again, I can't believe this is my life. I don't even feel like blogging about this anymore. I mean, how much can I continue to say about the suckiness of the whole thing?

Not Out of the Woods Yet

2007-02-20T16:46:00.000-08:00

So the good news is that there is a little embryo in there and it did actually implant far away from my big fibroid. It measured at 5 weeks, which is small, but within an acceptable range. We will know more when I go for another ultrasound next week. I stopped bleeding last Thursday and all was well over the weekend. The bad news is that I started bleeding again this afternoon. Overall, I had about two hours of "maybe this pg will stick this time" before I felt that all too familiar feeling in my nether regions.

It makes me so mad that every tidbit of good news is shrouded in bs when you are infertile. I am off to the couch for now to see if I can stave off my feelings of impending doom for another week.

I'm so confused!

2007-02-12T13:43:00.000-08:00

HCG=115. I'm confused. The nurse is stunned. I'll go for an IvIg treatment on Wednesday. And an u/s early next week. Stay tuned...

Bloody Hell

2007-02-12T08:17:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I got what I think is my period. I went for another beta this morning, so I should have the results later today. But right now it's not looking good. More later....

BFP....Maybe??

2007-02-08T15:45:00.000-08:00

February 8, 2007
I went for my second beta test this morning. Now we wait. I don’t know how I am expected to function at work today. Normally I would take a day off to wait for the phone call. But since I just took several days off to go to Miami, I figured I should just suck it up and come in today.

This morning I was a little crampy when I woke up. For the past few days, I’ve had some fluttering in my nether regions. Also, a little nausea yesterday and today. I am also experiencing a twinge here and there and that tingling sensation in my uterus that I got last time. Are these symptoms or is that the progesterone talking? Or did I eat some bad cheese? I seriously might lose my mind between now and three o’clock.

Update:
The clinic called. Beta HCG=14. This result was unexpected. I will start with the he.parin shots tonight and go back for another blood test on Monday to see if my beta rises appropriately. I am really stunned, as I was expecting to run out of here with tears in my eyes today. I didn’t expect that they would be tears of joy. I know the number is not high, but for now, this cycle still has possibilities.

I want my life back

2007-02-07T16:00:00.000-08:00

My baseline test was negative. They will do another test Thursday, but right now, it’s not looking good. I feel numb right now. Another failed cycle. I am starting to lose count. This was cycle number five. We had no embryos to freeze, so if we go for round 6, it will have to be a fresh cycle.

I am angry, sad and disgusted. I am sick of this entire process…sick of the shots and the tests and the procedures and the treatments and the pills and the doctors and the nurses and all the bs that goes along with trying to have a baby. I am sick of my fat body and the eff-ing stretchmarks…STRETCHMARKS!!! And no baby to show for it. I am wasting away at a job that I hate because I don’t want to start something new while we are trying to have a baby. Lord knows I don’t want to explain my situation to a new employer. I can’t run or exercise too hard because it might further impair my fertility. No drinking, no caffeine, no raw fish. It doesn’t make sense to buy any new clothes right now, because hopefully I’ll be pregnant soon. I feel like a loser all around. My self esteem is in the toilet.

Infertility is robbing me of my life.

And Now We Wait

2007-01-30T09:37:00.000-08:00

Remember all those eggs from the other day? Well only eight of them were actually mature and seven fertilized. I'm really surprised that we didn't have more viable eggs, but we have something, so I'm not complaining. We popped four of those in the oven yesterday. The other three are being cultivated to see if they make it to blast stage. If so, we will freeze them. For whatever reason, we don't seem to have much luck with the frozen embies, but you never know.

My baseline test is scheduled for next Tuesday, thank goodness. I don't know if I could wait for a full two weeks.

In the meantime, my hubby and I are still trying to get to the Super (Soul) Bowl this weekend without breaking the bank. I'll keep you posted. Miami or bust!

The Egg Report

2007-01-26T16:12:00.000-08:00

They aspirated 20 eggs today. Wow wee! I knew things were tingling down here, but this is way beyond my expectations. Thanks to you all for your kind words and thoughts. I should have a fertility report tomorrow or Sunday.

Cycle Update

2007-01-23T17:07:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I can't believe that we are in the midst of our fifth cycle. If it doesn't work this time, I think I might be done. I am sick of this quest to have a baby consuming my life. I am sick of stupid shots. And pills. And wanding. Giant ovaries. ick. Nausea and fatigue with no guarantee of a baby at the end. Sick. of. it. all. (Okay, I might be having some sort of hormonal surge right now.)

Anyhow, besides feeling emotionally unstable right now, everything is still on track with this cycle. They saw about 12 follies at my last appointment, my lining is nice and thick and my E2 level is where it needs to be. I take the big shot of HCG tomorrow night and the retrieval is scheduled for Friday. If all goes well, the transfer will probably be on Monday. Right now, I need a nap. Wish me luck.

Stimulation

2007-01-16T14:08:00.000-08:00

I started my stims yesterday, and I swear, my ovaries are already pushing up against my bladder. Gah! I feel rather blah about this cycle. I really don’t want to get all worked up for the fifth time. So for now, I am trying to act like everything is normal. I’m not talking it up with everyone around me and really, I’m trying not to think about it too much. Tomorrow afternoon I go for my first IvIg treatment for this cycle. After that, most likely I’ll go in for retrieval next Wednesday or Thursday. If all goes well, I’ll go for transfer Saturday or Sunday.

So here’s an interesting possibility. My husband is a Bears fan. And by fan, I mean fanatic. For those of you who don’t follow football, the Bears are one game away from going to the Superbowl, which is being played in Miami this year. Of course if the Bears go to Miami, so is my husband. And so am I. However, if all goes as planned with this cycle, we will be in the midst of our two week wait. I don’t want to risk flying during this time, so we plan to make it a road trip. All. The. Way. To. Florida. Wish us luck.

On the tv/entertainment front…I am so proud of Jennifer Hudson. She looked pretty and was so gracious when she accepted her award. She did Chi-town proud. Also, congrats to Eddie Murphy, Forest Whitaker, Shonda Rhimes and America Ferrera on their Golden Globes.

Did you all watch 24 this weekend??? Oh. My. GOD! This show continues to raise the bar each season and last weekend’s four-hour event was no exception. My favorite highlights:

Jack went all Hannibal Lechter on us to escape from the terrorists.
“You aren’t my friend! You can’t even pronounce my name correctly!”
Jack shoots Curtis in the neck! (Oh my God! You killed Curtis!!!)
And the coup de gras (sp??) was the actual detonation of a nuclear bomb in Los Angeles. Wow wee!

What the heck was the crying episode about? Suck it up Jack! There’s no crying in baseball! Or national security! Ahh, I love his show.

Finally, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention how pleased I am that Barack Obama is taking the next step toward making a run for the presidency. This country is ready for a change. I just pray for his safety and the safety of his family.

100 Things About Me

2007-01-10T12:53:00.000-08:00

So I started this list about six months ago. And I finally finished today. Whew. Enjoy.

1. I live on the south side of Chicago.
2. The south side is scary to me because I grew up in the west suburbs.
3. I have two brothers.
4. I only grew up with my baby bro. My older brother grew up with his mother.
5. I only met my older brother once and I don’t know where his is now.
6. I couldn’t stand my little brother when I was a child.
7. He is one of my favorite people now.
8. We both attended private schools until college.
9. We attended the same college, seven years apart.
10. I am married to a lawyer.
11. Most of his clients are criminals.
12. He represented one of my former staff members after she doused her husband in hot oatmeal. She got probation and had to go to anger management class.
13. I hate fighting with him because he fights dirty. Thankfully, we hardly ever fight.
14. We met at a nightclub.
15. I am too embarrassed to tell people where we met, so I usually make something up when people ask.
16. He is proud of where we met.
17. Shortly after we met, we discovered that my mom’s good friend grew up with his mom.
18. And our brothers knew each other in college.
19. And my brother married a girl that my brother in law liked in college.
20. I didn’t know my husband was ticklish for the first year after we met because he told me he was not.
21. When I found out I vowed to tickle him every day. :-)
22. I play the flute and the piano.
23. I own a guitar, but I don’t know how to play (yet).
24. I sing better than I play.
25. I used to sing in a Christian rock band.
26. I am a classically trained singer.
27. I plan to audition for the Lyric Opera Chorus every year until I get in.
28. I am on the praise team at church.
29. I regret not majoring in music in college.
30. I have a degree in print journalism.
31. I actually work in my chosen field.
32. I often wonder if it is too late for me to choose a different field.
33. Eight people report to me, including an administrative assistant.
34. My parents have been married for 39 years.
35. People usually think my mother is my sister.
36. My parents recently bought a five bedroom house in the south suburbs.
37. My mom is retired. My dad works because he was bored when he retired.
38. I think they secretly won the lottery.
39. I ran the Chicago Marathon in 1999.
40. After the race I did not run again for almost a year.
41. I gained 25 pounds during that year.
42. Now when I run, it is usually 5 miles or less.
43. I am an iPod/iTunes junkie.
44. I have 4,237 songs on my iPod.
45. The genres range from opera to hip hop and everything in between.
46. I currently wear a “fusion” weave. It is FABULOUS.
47. I wore braids in college.
48. I had a jheri curl in high school and my first year of college.
49. I’m convinced the curl affected my popularity in college.
50. Being a manager affects my popularity at work.
51. I don’t care about being popular (anymore) (hmph).
52. I love to eat.
53. I hated cooking until I got married.
54. I learned to cook against my will from my mom.
55. I am now an excellent cook.
56. We host Christmas every year because of my cooking.
57. My dad secretly thinks I have Christmas dinner catered because I never cooked when I lived with my parents.
58. Christmas is my favorite holiday.
59. When I leave corporate America, I might start a catering business with my mom and brother.
60. I love to read.
61. I was a late bloomer. I blame my parents for allowing me to get a jheri curl but not allowing me to wear makeup until I was 16.
62. Now I rarely leave the house without at least a little makeup on my face.
63. I am addicted to The Sims 2.
64. I am also addicted to chocolate.
65. It took me five years to graduate from college because I changed my major four times.
66. My majors were engineering, education, English and journalism.
67. I should have majored in music.
68. All of my college roommates married and had children before me.
69. I introduced one of my roommates to her husband.
70. I am reproductively challenged.
71. I dated a drug addict for three years after college. I didn’t know he was an addict when we met.
72. We met at church.
73. He got one of my fellow choir members pregnant. He denied ever sleeping with her.
74. One of the reasons we broke up (besides the drugs, lies and cheating) was because I didn’t want him to continue denying his child on my account.
75. He is now a minister. It’s hard for me not to judge.
76. I have never used drugs.
77. I dated a host of other losers before I met my wonderful husband. None were as heinous as the drug addict.
78. One ex-boyfriend left me a long voicemail on the day before my wedding to tell me how he regretted the way things ended between us and that he hoped I would be happy with my husband to be.
79. I never called him back.
80. The last time I saw him was right before my birthday. He wished me happy birthday.
81. It was creepy that he remembered, considering we broke up almost 10 years ago.
82. I am addicted to beauty products—makeup, skin, hair, it does not matter.
83. I rarely leave the house without makeup, unless I am going to the gym.
84. I was not allowed to wear makeup until I turned 16.
85. I started wearing makeup secretly in 7th grade
86. I was not allowed to have phone calls from boys until I was 16.
87. I still struggle talking to the opposite sex at times.
88. My brother was allowed to have a girlfriend in 8th grade.
89. I plan to work really hard at not having double standards for my boy and girl children (when we have children).
90. I have a tendency to misplace/ lose things.
91. I have a pet cat named Betty. She lives with my brother’s cat Nina at my parents’ house.
92. I was on the basketball team in high school. Our coach was so intense that I used to have nightmares about running suicides.
93. I use to talk in my sleep. Sometimes my dad would have entire conversations with me while I was sleep.
94. I love going to the movies. We hardly ever went to the movies when I was a growing up. Now I go at least one a week.
95. I have a weird obsession with mob movies (e.g., The Godfather, Casino, Goodfellas). I can watch them over and over again.
96. I was in the movie Hoop Dreams. My brother was on the basketball team featured in the movie. I was taking pictures at their awards banquet.
97. I love gadgets.
98. I love to travel. I’ve been to London, Paris, Madrid, Tahiti, Jamaica and the Bahamas. I have also traveled all over the U.S. including Hawaii and most recently Napa Valley.
99. I hope to go to Italy next time I go overseas.
100. I am addicted to St.arbucks and I hold my husband fully responsible. I didn’t drink coffee before we met.

Happy New Year!

2007-01-02T14:02:00.000-08:00

I took a little hiatus from blogging for a while, but I'm back now, and I hope to update more regularly.

On the IF front: We are starting a new IVF cycle with retrieval planned for late January. We learned from the last cycle that I have a PAI 1 gene mutation. This mutation is not uncommon, but coupled with my elevated NK cells it caused the blood clot in my uterus, which led to my last miscarriage. We are trying everything but the kitchen sink for this cycle.IvIg, met.for.minmin, vitamin B and folic acid supplements, prenatal vitamins, baby aspirin, dexa.methasone and hepa.rin after a positive pregnancy test. This is the first cycle that we will have to pay for ourselves, since my insurance coverage has been exhausted. Thankfully, we have been really good savers and my hubby's business is doing well. And for whatever reason, my insurance company still covers most of the drugs. Miraculously, I am still hopefully and cautiously optimistic.I did not think the whole therapy thing would work, but I feel pretty good these days, so I maybe it is worthwhile afterall.

We had a lovely Christmas this year, with no hosting responsibilities for me. (Yay!) The hubby and I exchanged gifts first thing in the morning. I gave him a new watch. But not just any watch. I splurged and got him a Ro.lex. I know this was extravagant, especially in light of our upcoming expenses, but I know that once we have kids, this kind of extravagance will be out of the question. His look of utter shock and subsequent joy was worth it. He gave me a Gucci bag, a new wallet and a new phone. Later we went to my parents' house for brunch. My mom made some deeee-liciouis shrimp 'n grits. Even my hubby, who formerly believed that "grits are the enemy," could not get enough. We exchanged gifts with my folks and my brother & sis in law.

That evening, we went to the in-laws for dinner and yet another gift exchange. We could not resist going a little overboard with the gifts for our nephew. I especially loved the enormous stuffed dog that my husband picked out. Our final destination was my brother's wife's parents' house (they live around the corner from my in-laws) for games and frolicking with the numerous kids who swarm over there at Christmastime. We got to meet the twins--my brothers God daughters who were born three months prematurely. They only had a 50% chance of survival when they were born. Miraculously, it has been nine months and they both survived and are doing fine.

We decided to stay in for New Year's Eve, and ultimately ended up hosting an impromptu gathering. It was quite nice.

I planned to avoid the whole resolution thing. So much of my life has been put on hold these past few years as we pursue our quest to start a family. It seems crazy to make yet another list of promises for the coming year, only to have my plans thwarted by grief and disappointment and my inability to make any life changes just yet. However, I am learning that life goes on. I don't want our IF battle to steal any more precious time than what is absolutely necessary. I have high hopes for 2007, but mostly, I just want to have a baby. Whether or not that happens, I hope I can be a little less self-absorbed, a little more giving and open, a little more thoughtful and a little less serious. I want to continue singing and other hobbies that bring me joy. I hope to develop more as a writer, and possibly find some cool freelance opportunities. I hope to devote more time to friends, family and develop more positive and uplifting relationships. I don't know what 2007 holds in store for me, but I can't wait to find out.

Heartbroken

2006-10-23T11:48:00.000-07:00

Thank you to everyone who has expressed their sympathies for the recent turn of events. And my apologies for not updating sooner. I have had a really hard time just getting out bed this past week and I have been even less inclined to write about this horrific experience. But, considering all of the money we've spent on this journey, I really need to keep my job. Therefore, I am being forced to start functioning again on some level, even if that means just showing up for work.

As you know, about three weeks ago I started bleeding. Ultrasound revealed that I had a blood clot in my uterus. The doctor was not overly concerned, but she did recommend bed rest until the bleeding stopped. It did stop for a little while, but then it came back. So I went back on bed rest and I did another round of ivig on Wednesday (10/11). The day after my treatment, I got really sick--vomiting, bleeding and a fever of nearly 103. I called my RE and she didn't think my illness was pregnancy-related. She recommended that take ty.lenol for the fever and that I see my primary care doc. I went to the primary care doc on Friday (10/13) and he sent me to the emergency room. Can I just say that the ER is nothing like what you see on television. There was no sense of urgency. I was there for six hours. (Also, I am not superstitious, but Friday the 13th??? Coincidence???) When I finally saw a doctor, she did an ultrasound and a pelvic exam. They did blood work and a urinalysis (sp?). Everything came back normal they could not find a source of any infection and they could not tell me why I had a fever. I was a bit dehydrated, so they treated me for that via IV. Everything with the baby appeared to be fine. So they sent me home and told me to keep taking the ty.lenol for the fever and to follow up with my RE on Monday. Saturday was a pretty low key day and my bleeding was light. I woke up in the middle of the night because the bleeding became heavier and it was accompanied by cramps and a backache. I called my RE on Sunday morning and she basically told me that we pretty much did everything we could do at this point and that I should come in on Monday for an evaluation as planned. She also said that if the amount of blood alarmed me that I should go back to the ER. However, it was her belief that they did all the right things at the ER on Friday (they did call and consult with her before they discharged me) and ultimately, the pregnancy is going to do what it is going to do. So I stayed in bed all day. And the bleeding got progressively worse. I lost count of how many clots I passed and how many pads I used. And at some point on Sunday, I knew that I was having a miscarriage. At times, I would get up to use the restroom and change my pad, and the new pad would fill up before I could even get back to the bed. It was horrible. Monday morning my mom drove me to the doctor and they confirmed that I had miscarried.

Looking back, I cannot help but wonder if there was something else I should have done. I wonder if I should have gone to the ER again on Sunday. Did my fever cause the m/c or did the impending m/c cause the fever? Did I get a bad batch of IvIg? Was the IV I got at the ER contaminated? Maybe I should have been on he.parin (this is the first cycle that I did not use he.parin). Or was it just doomed from the start? I guess I will never know what caused this pregnancy to go south. All I know is that my heart is broken. Again.

My family and the friends who know have been very supportive. Right now I am so sad, I can hardly breathe.

Update

2006-10-16T16:09:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to put up a quick post to let you all know that I had a miscarriage yesterday (9w6d). I can't write about it right now, but I will try to post before the end of the week.

Scary Times

2006-10-03T08:20:00.000-07:00

Oh, the bloody gore of the past few days! No, this post is not about halloween. It's not about the slew of scary movies coming out in the next few weeks. This is about the bleeding incident I had last week. Aaaaaaahhhhhh!

As you all know, the very last thing you want to see when you are pregnant is blood. I know this is going to be TMI, but hey you all should be used to this by now. :-) Thursday night I was standing in my kitchen when I felt this warm sensation down there. Now things are already kind of juicy down there, thanks to the cri.none. But this sensation felt strangely familiar, warm like my PERIOD. I flew to the bathroom and sure enough, blood. All I could think was no, no, no, no, NOOOOooooooo! I called the doctor and she was waaaay too calm. She said to see if the bleeding continued through the night and if so, call her in the morning. Of course the bleeding continued...enough to fill up a pad. And I passed a huge clot in the middle of the night. Oh, the horror! I did not sleep at all that night. I was terrified that I had flushed my baby down the toilet.

So when I call ed the doctor in the morning, she told me to go on bed rest until the bleeding stopped. I thought for certain she would want me to come in or meet her at the hospital or something. Plus, how could I make it all weekend without knowing whether or not I was still pregnant? Pure torture. I stayed in bed all weekend and the bleeding stopped. Then I went on Monday for an ultrasound. Everything is fine. Tears of relief. It's going to be a looooong seven months.

The doctor's explanation was that I developed a blood clot in my uterus due to my elevated NK (natural killer) cells. Since I just did an IvIg last week, all we can do now is wait to let the medicine do its thing. I go back for more bloodwork and U/S on Thursday. It's going to be a long seven months.

Heartbeat

2006-09-20T12:30:00.000-07:00

Everything went fine at today's appointment. The baby-blob is growing at a normal rate and I could see the heartbeat. I may have to start heparin soon, but so far, so good. My hubby was so sweet last night. I am such a nervous wreck, I really wanted him to go to my appointment with me today. He really wanted to come to the ultrasound, but he had to be in court this morning. So he gave me his wedding band so that I would have a part of him with me today. I love this man.

My brother's wife called me last night to express her sheer joy about our news. She is such a sweetheart. She was unsure about whether or not to call me yet, but in the end, she decided to call. She asked me if she could throw my baby shower, which made me want to cry. I am so touched to know that she thinks of me as a sister.

It's really odd to see how happy people are for us. I am really not at that joyful stage yet, and I don't know if I will get there any time soon. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful beyond words. But it is really hard for me to think too far ahead right now. I need to start doing some yoga or something to calm my nerves.

Things that made me want to vomit so far today:
1. The smell of the chicken noodle soup I got for lunch today. I had to throw it away.
2. The homeless man sitting outside my building picking at a sore on his leg.
3. The smell of 40 different perfumes in the lobby. (Our building is hosting a discount perfume sale today and tomorow. gag!)
4. The Woodstock Choco Cranberry Crunch trail mix sitting on my desk. I usually love this stuff but not today.
5. On the package it says that Woodstock Farms provides a habitat beneficials (bugs that feed on pests). Just thinking about all the bugs. G.A.G.

Thankfully, somehow I have managed to keep my food in my belly. Barely.

Edit: I was horrified to see how crazy this post looked. Blogger was doing some crazy stuff yesterday...that's it..it was blogger's fault!